I have been meaning to check out the Museum of Sex’s new Rubbers exhibit ever since it opened February 4th, but I’ve been so busy.  Today however my life has as much purpose as an asshole in a nostril, so I decided to finally take the trip.  I brought my camera along to show you some of my favorite parts!

I haven’t been to the museum since they added their fancy new store, so it was cool to see the merch that they had.  One of the shirts has my name written all over it.  Gay unicorn butt-sex?  Yes please.

My birthday is April 30th, by the way.

They also had these awesome zipper-mouth guys! I want them all!!

Especially this one! Look at that cute lil guy!

And this was just funny. A vibrating banana?  In a perfect world…

I made my way into the exhibit where I was greeted with a rectangular block of used condoms molded together with what I assume is dog crap.

Appetizing.

According to the literature on the wall, this eye-candy was created from hundreds of used and discarded condoms collected from the floors and trash of the fetish-oriented, gay dance club, FIST, in London.  I can’t tell if this is a promising invitation or some really obvious foreshadowing.

Next to that was an equally insulting piece of art.

“STFU, art.” — My Ass

I enjoyed this comical poem, I did.

My new About Me on MANHUNT

On the heels of enjoying that smut, I was introduced to some old school condoms.  This beauty is from ancient Egypt, which begs the question: Why did they hate having sex in Egypt?

Not cool, Egypt.

I can’t decide which one made me recoil the most…

So I am pretty much hating life at this point due to my powerful imagination and moved on.

I really liked all of these things, made of condoms, though I admit I have no idea what’s going on here.  Keep in mind that almost all of them were moving on their own.

I really connected with this one particular piece.  I imagine when I have lost the last ounce of sanity that my slowly fizzling brain is desperately clinging to, this is the vehicle that I’ll float away in.

I’d buy stock in Goodyear if this was what they really looked like.

There was a lot more in the Rubbers portion of the exhibit but I don’t want to ruin it for those of you that might want to go!

I made my way to the sex toy room and of course I had practically everything in there already.

Apparently my apartment in Bushwick can be a museum.

Then there was this clown wearing a 3D Sex Simulator suit.

A simple day look.

and this awesome inflation fetish suit.  Check out those knockers!

After that I headed to the porn exhibit where they were playing various porns all over the place.  The Japanese tourists had huddled in there for some reason and were going ape shit so I didn’t stay long.  I did stay long enough to watch the Beautiful Agony display that I recently posted about, and one of the guys in it was so hot that I got hard and decided to leave, which is when I learned the cruel irony of the exit leading directly from the Porn exhibit into the museum shop so that all the staff can watch you awkwardly adjust your pants.  Seriously Museum of Sex, y’all are pervs.

A simple afternoon of fun, I suggest you check it out.  Here, I’ll even give you the link to a printable $5 off coupon!

Wow.  Time flies.

One year ago, I set out to create a website to promote sex positivity and education for the gay community.  Frustrated with the fact that there were so many resources for women but none for men, I started TheINQUEERY.com.

In just one short year, The INQUEERY has come so far.

The INQUEERY saw it’s first ever mini erotic art zine published — Thrashing the Chafe.  Issue two is under works and promises to be bigger and better than the last.

I have been featured on MANHUNT Daily several times, twice as an educator and once as their @FollowFriday pick.

I’ve done various workshops around the city for The Pleasure Chest, Gay Men’s Health Crisis, and NYU.

And this coming year is going to be even bigger!

Thank you all for your support.  Your e-mails and comments mean so much to me.  I always wanted to help people improve their lives, and I never could have dreamed that it would take this form.

In the spirit of The INQUEERY, I will be giving away all sorts of shit this month for you lucky bastards.  Stay tuned!

Now go play.

xxx

-Brandon B.

I first learned of Beautiful Agony when I took a trip to the Museum of Sex here in New York.  It was featured as a part of their porn exhibit and I was instantly turned on!

Not everyone has the desire to be a full-blown porn star, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t all like to show off and get attention.  Beautiful Agony is basically a collection of very personal and intimate moments of people wanking, moaning, shooting their load, and showing off their o-faces.  It only displays them from the shoulders up, and if you browse through the gallery of men you’ll see that there are some hot pieces of ass on the site!

It’s only $14.95 for a month of unlimited access to these hot videos for those of you who are curious voyeurs that don’t necessarily want your run of the mill porn. Click the link below to check out this hot preview video and click here to sign up if you want to see more!

play windows media

play quicktime

I love being touched and I love touching, especially if tattoos are involved.  I always encourage people to either get massages or massage your partners because it not only helps develop a sexy, intimate bond between the two of you, but it helps relieve stress and makes you horny.  At least it does for me.

Jimmyjane’s Afterglow candles are really cool.  They are made of a soy-based wax which is infused with various essential oils.  All of the ingredients in the Afterglow candles are cosmetic-grade and safe for the skin.

The way they work is simple.  You light the wick like any other candle and then let it burn.  As the wax melts, it becomes a massage oil, warm to the touch (not hot to the touch like regular candles).  You can then pour the wax on your partner or use the applicator brush to lightly coat them head to toe.

I’ve used this with a few peeps and it always results in a really nice evening.  Candles add a little class into otherwise routine sex lives.  Plus everyone looks better by candle light, and we’ve all slept with people where that would come in handy…

One of my favorite uses for these though is as a body moisturizer.  I light a candle before I hop in the shower and then when I am done spending 40 minutes on my hair, I apply the wax to myself as though it were a regular lotion.  The scent is nice and subtle but stays with you throughout the day, all the while keeping your skin soft to the touch.  Plus they don’t have that nasty sharp taste that colognes do so you can put them where ever you want!

They come in all sorts of scents, my favorites being Dark Vanilla and Black Currant.  Pink Lotus, Bourbon, Fig Leaf, Cucumber Water, and Chocolate (which smells WAY too much like chocolate for my personal taste) are also available.

Whether you’re rubbing some hottie or just making yourself a soft nice-smelling beast, these candles are a lot of fun and work great!  They run about $25 and last for about 42 hours or so.  Fun!

Jimmyjane Afterglow Massage Oil Candle provided by The Pleasure Chest.

Jizz in my Pants is a genius reference for this article, by the way.

A lot of us have been there, some of us on both ends of the situation.  You’ve blah-blah-blahed your way through dinner, you’ve used all your lines to lure some hot piece of ass back to your place, you’re getting hot and heavy and then BAM – it’s over.  You’re laying there with one leg in the air, your chest covered in his load, and you give him either a sympathetic look of “It’s ok baby“ or the less compassionate “BAD DOG. Look what you did!!” Now you’re laying there with your dick in your hand and he goes down on you almost immediately in a desperate attempt to get you off at motor-boat speed, and the whole time you’re thinking “Man…did I really just drop $40 on dinner..”

Whether you are the premature-er or the premature-ee there are actually a lot of things that can be done about shooting your spitball earlier than desired.  I’ve had a few e-mails regarding the issue of Premature Ejaculation over these last few months but have taken my sweet ass time actually addressing it here.  Sorry, I’m a lazy daisy.

What is considered Premature?

Premature Ejaculation is a difficult topic for men to discuss because it’s the source of embarrassment and shame for many.  I went on a date with this guy once and he was talking about this one mutual friend of ours that he fucked (classy guy) and he told me “as soon as I was inside him he came all over the place, it was a waste of time.”  This evidences two things.  One — I go out with assholes, and two — premature ejaculation is considered a really, really, really negative trait about someone in the sexual sense.

Premature ejaculation is difficult to define because by in large we are not naturally programmed to be able to last “long” in bed.  It serves zero genetic purpose.  Can you imagine if animals fucked for an hour?  30 minutes in and you’d have some mean ass owl swooping in and eating you both, ending your sweet mouse-love and thus your genetic legacy.  For the purposes of reproduction and population, most animals are in and out and then move on.  Thus, premature by our definition is actually normal, but we want to last longer than the norm and who can blame us.  Sex is a lot of fun and I didn’t wash my ass and spend 20 minutes manscaping for nothing!  However in order to do this we must train ourselves to last longer.

Technique #1: Masturbation Training

If you’re like me you masturbate 1,000 times a day.  Or if you’re not a nympho, maybe once or twice.  Most of the time when men masturbate, their goal is to get off, not to last 20 minutes.  By making a simple mental adjustment and actually spending time enjoying your jerk-session, you can help train yourself to last longer in bed with someone else.

There are a number of masturbation sleeves out there that have intense ribbed inner textures that can help with this, such as the Fleshlight Stamina Training Unit above.  None of these are necessary, but if you want to mix things up they can help.

When jerking off with either a toy or just your hand, it’s easier to notice how your body responds and what the result of that sensation is going to be.  When you reach that point where you feel you are getting close, stop jerking off.  Play with your balls or tweak your tits or something, but don’t stimulate your penis directly for a few beats.  You would be surprised how fast your body moves away from the urge to ejaculate once you stop stimulating your dick directly, and once you feel that the urge has subsided then get back to jerking.  Rinse and repeat, and then cum when you are satisfied with your work, it’s really easy.  Once you have mastered this start-stop-start technique you will be able to incorporate it easily into your bedroom habits.  If you are typically the bottom, it’s a good idea to do this with a prostate massager or dildo in your ass since you are not only having your cock rocked in bed but also your delicate and pleasurable prostate gland.

Also, look at this hilarious picture I found:

Technique #2: Condoms Rose, CONDOMS CONDOMS CONDOMS!!

Most of my life is spent quoting The Golden Girls.

Of course you should always be using condoms when you’re with someone else, but using condoms when you masturbate can actually help you a lot in several ways.  WHAT!?

Yup, it’s true gentlemen.  Much like technique #1, using condoms when you jerk off gets you used to the sensation of the material and can not only help you with your body-response technique, but it can also help cure the limp-dick a lot of guys experience once our latex friends come into the equation.

I always suggest people find a condom they like and stick to that condom exclusively at first.  Obviously if you’re with someone and your condom of choice isn’t available you should use whatever you have, but once you practice with them while jerking off this becomes less of an issue.  One of my favorite condoms are Crown condoms, but One Condoms are also excellent.  I think Trojans are crap, but to each his own.

Technique #3: Breathing

Ah oxygen, the things it does.  Breathing properly during sex, much like exercise, can greatly reduce the chances of you finishing the party before the cake is cut.  Breathing deeply and regularly helps relax the body and ease tension.  It also helps with concentrating at the task at hand as well as focusing on your body and how it is feeling in the moment.  You might be thinking “Of course I am breathing!” but if you pay attention a lot of guys actually don’t when they are getting close.  This is classically noted when their jaw is hanging open and their eyes are slammed shut while they jerk or thrust at 90 mph.  When you are in this territory, you have allowed yourself to forget that you want to keep it going and have resigned to the mindset of “THIS FEELS SO FUCKING GOOD I’M GOING TO SHOOT MY LOAD ALL OVER THE PLANET!!!”  Which feels great obvs, but let’s save that for a bit later, shall we?

I took a video of myself knocking one out quick to demonstrate said face, cuz I’m a ho and you should know:

Technique #4: Strengthening Your Down-There Muscles

As I explain in my review of the Aneros Peridise, you can help combat premature ejaculation by strengthening your pelvic muscles through exercise.  Like any other muscles in your body, the pelvic floor can be defined for more control and strength, not only increasing your stamina but also increasing the intensity of your orgasms once you are ready to blow.  The Aneros line in general is great for exercising these muscles, specifically the PC muscle, but you don’t need a toy to flex that shiz.  You can do these exercises where you are sitting right now.  Simply flex your cremaster muscle (these are the muscles that cover your testis, you’ll know you are flexing it when your balls move up.  If you’ve ever stopped yourself from peeing mid-stream, this is also the set you are using), hold for a few counts, and then release.  Repeat this process everyday for a few minutes and you’d be surprised at the results over time.

Technique #5: Put A Ring On It

Cockrings create a constriction around the cock and balls which can help reduce your bodies knee jerk reaction to cum when sexually stimulated.  A cockring is commonly worn around your entire unit.  A great beginners cock ring is any leather snap cockring which can be adjusted and removed easily.  There are also simple jelly ones that are cheap and easy to apply to yourself.  For more information on cockrings including some safety tips check out my guide So You Want to Buy a Cockring…

The Premature Ejaculation Technique No-no: Desensitizer Sprays and Creams

So many people turn to numbing sprays and creams to help them last longer.  Most of these sprays and creams contain numbing agents known as lidocaine or benzocaine which act as local anesthetics and pain relievers.  Please don’t ever use these!  With excessive use these sprays and gels can cause permanent nerve damage, even anemia, and then you wont be able to feel anything at all!

There are a lot of other techniques out there that can help increase your stamina in bed, but these are some simple techniques that should give you an idea of what to aim for.  Remember, treat your body with respect and patience.  Work with it not against it, and you’ll find yourself on the road to 19 hour sex sessions!! Ok maybe not that long but you get the idea.

]]> http://theinqueery.com/2010/02/23/how-to-combat-premature-ejaculation-increase-stamina/feed/ 1 mebrandonb jizzinmypants Fleshlight_STU fleshlight-apple-pie condoms 123108_b PCmale Cockrings http://theinqueery.com/2010/02/17/system-jo-h20-anal-review/ http://theinqueery.com/2010/02/17/system-jo-h20-anal-review/#comments Wed, 17 Feb 2010 21:13:50 +0000 mebrandonb http://theinqueery.com/?p=918 ]]> One of the biggest complaints that people have about silicone lube is that it stains your sheets.  While this is only partly true (adding a little alcohol to the stain before washing your sheets usually gets the silicone out), I am always on the hunt for the perfect lube.  That’s why I was so pleased when I was sent System JO Anal H20 to review.  Anyone that knows me knows that I swear by their silicone formula after years of being a whore, so I was really interested to see how their water-based equivalent would measure up.  Dare I say that I am infinitely impressed with System JO?  It’s quite possible.  Let’s see!

The problem with water-based lubricants when it comes to doing it up the butt is that they tend to dry out pretty quick.  Since they are literally made of water-soluble formulas they tend to evaporate, dry up, even absorb into the skin with use, usually leaving the fuck-ee vulnerable to all kinds of uncomfortable things such as stickiness, friction, and..let’s go ahead and say terrorist attacks.

Like all System JO water-based products, the glycerin in System JO H20 Anal is derived from plant cellulose, giving cause for vegans to rejoice (other types of glycerin are typically derived from animal fat, yuck).

This special formula claims that it is formulated to feel just like silicone lube.  To my knowledge it is the only water-based lube to make such an outrageous claim, so I put it to the test on several occasions.

Jerking off with this is pretty impressive.  It doesn’t have the thickness that some of my other favorite lubes such as Maximus and Sassy have, but it stays slick a long time especially considering it’s a water-base.  And it totally feels like silicone, except for after use when it seems to take on a slightly greasy texture.  Although that’s not cute, it washes off easy with water and no soap, so I forgave it.

As for as anal toys go, it’s kinda nice to be able to use something that feels like silicone with silicone toys.  Typically you can’t use silicone lubes with silicone toys because they melt the toy, but this gives you the same siliconey sensation without destroying your ass blaster 3000.  Yay!

And then there is sex.  Hard, fast, hair-pulling, up against the wall anal sex (at least that time it was, woof).  I am pleased to report this lube goes the distance and lasted the entire time with minimal reapplication!  It’s smooth and slippery and doesn’t taste bad — it actually tastes semi sweet for some reason, which made it really great to use for giving head and eating ass.  After I was done with whatever-his-name-was, it was really easy to wash off and washed out of my sheets with ease!

I am really impressed with this lube.  It does everything that it claims to do and is really easy to clean up.  On top of that it is a fraction of the price of it’s silicone sister — only $14 for an 8oz bottle and $10 for a 4.5oz bottle online!  It can be kinda hard to find in stores, but at those prices online there is no reason not to just order it from the web.  Two thumbs and one happy peen way up!

System JO H20 Anal provided by SexToy.com.  You can support The INQUEERY by purchasing it and other fun Lubricants from their online shop!

Everyone knows I enjoy a good LOL or even LMAO at someone elses expense.  Well now that someone can be YOU!

If you were one of the sorry saps who had a shitty Valentine’s Day, The Pleasure Chest is offering you the chance to win a $100 gift card for your pathetic story.  Check out their blog for information on how to enter and share your shame with the world.  I am refreshing their fan page feverishly, stroking my cat, laughing like the villain I am, waiting for your juicy tales to fuel my sadism.  Which each tale of sorrow and failure I grow stronger.  STRONGER.

DO IT DO IT!!

People get really confused when I tell them that Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday.  They assume that it’s because I like getting laid, and although that isn’t an untrue fact, that has nothing to do with what Valentine’s Day means to me.  This year was one of the best, and every year Valentine’s Day could be amazing for everyone if they just viewed it in the right light.

The Toy Store that I work in saw one of our most successful V-Days to date, at least since I’ve been there.  We shattered every record from the last several years.  Working this weekend was non-stop busy with a steady stream of people pouring in to the store to buy various instruments of pleasure for themselves and their partner(s).  I always love it when we are busy.  When we are busy, it means people are looking to have a good time, and that is always a great thing.  I also love the fact that my suggestions become widely more acceptable to more people.  I told one older lady that she should try bondage tape and my favorite plug, and after one small beat of silence she simply said “Alright, sure.”  Why can’t everyday be like that!

I recently left my second job which many people didn’t know I had.  I had been with that company since 2004 and was allowed to keep my position when I moved here from Los Angeles in 2006.  There comes a time when you just have to realize what you are doing vs. what you should be doing, and my passion has always been for the sex industry and it didn’t make sense to spend time doing anything else anymore.  I am going to miss them a lot, but I promised myself this would be the year that I focused on my career, and so with a heavy heart I said my goodbyes.  Any moment you spend not doing something that you want to do with your life, you are wasting your time.  Success requires a good attitude and strong work ethic, but also projects and tasks that support your dreams, not stifle them.

Valentine’s Day is a lot like that for me.  I don’t view it as a day of romance in the traditional sense, but as a day of romance for life.  I love my life, and I love myself, and I love the people in my life.  Men have come and gone, but at the end of the day you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else appropriately (RuPaul totally stole that from me, btw).  Valentine’s Day is my day to celebrate the relationships in my life with other people, but also with myself.  A large part of being sexy is simply feeling sexy, and for me that means being able to take care of myself and being proud of the work I do, and none of that is dependent on the person I’m fucking.

I did so this year by finally finishing my chest piece (thank you to my artist, su-houston.com).

Next year I’d like to be naked in bed with someone though.

Every year around this time I have to listen to people whine about Valentine’s Day for one reason or another. People bitch about being single or rant about how it’s just another holiday created by the greeting card company and blah blah blah poop.  People need to chill with all that.  Holidays are our way of breaking up the monotony of the year so as not to go ape shit and beat the crap out of each other with claw hammers.  The only holiday that should ever ACTUALLY matter to you is your birthday, all the other stuff is just fluff to enjoy, so stop over thinking it and buy me some fuckin’ flowers already.

I for one love Valentine’s Day.  It’s a holiday that celebrates that there is someone in your life who’s face is foine enough to sit on from time to time.  It’s totally celebrating sex, in it’s own pretending-you-really-like-him-for-his-personality kinda way.

I’ve made a short list of some sexy stuff to get your special someone this year.  If you don’t have a special someone, well you always have me, and I will accept any and all of the following!

For Your Nymphomation Toy Case

I recently finally bought curtains to hang in my apartment.  Mind you I have been here since September.  I have been trying to make small improvements to the appearance of my place so it’s not so weird when people come over, and these For Your Nymphomation cases will come in handy because right now my toys and lube are just scattered everywhere.  Great to keep next to your bed to store your lube, dildos, condoms, buttplugs, massage oils, whatever.  They come in a good range of sizes and colors too, and right now if you use promo code VDAY2010 you will get 20% off any purchase of $40 or more.  Neat! Prices range from $9 – $250 depending on case and size, http://www.foryournymphomation.com

Designer Cock Rings

Cue up Single Ladies, cuz if you want it then you better put a ring on it!  I’m so funny.

The very lovely people at Coco de Mer are offering some sexy cockrings this year.  Check out their awesome selection of high-end cock rings, including the Black Pearl Cockring and Engraved Jade Cockring. I’ll take one of each! Prices range from $40 – $360 depending on model, CocoDeMerUSA.com

Custom Nesting Dolls

The people at SHAG in Brooklyn have a very cool item that I think would be so cute to give!  You are instructed to take five photos of yourself, each time removing a layer of clothing.  The images of you stripping are then put onto these nesting dolls.  So sexy!  For $60 they will also do the photography for you in an hour-long in-house session.  The last day to order them is the 11th so hop to it! $120 + $60 optional photographer,  weloveshag@gmaile.com or 347.721.3302

Indulgence Aphrodisiac Chocolates

One of my favorite places on earth is the Museum of Sex, and they have a fancy new online store!  One of the things that caught my eye was the nicely presented Indulgence Aphrodisiac Chocolates.  Indulgence is a decadent blend of the highest quality Valrhona chocolate and silky caramel infused with Shichimi Togarashi — a 400-year old Japanese aphrodisiac blend of red chili pepper, ginger root, orange zest, and black peppercorn.  Eat these off of my ass NOW. Prices range from $12.50 – $36 for the 5-piece and 15-piece sets, MoSexStore.com

An article was posted by the New York Times yesterday discussing open relationships.  The article revealed that a soon to be released study showed that 50% of gay couples polled were in happy open relationships.

The negative backlash to the topic of open relationships is something that practitioners and polygamists are familiar with.  It’s an argument that will often times draw anger from those that oppose open relationships, or at best elicit responses such as “I could never do it, but to each his own.”

The following is a brief example of why open relationships work for many, my responses to the various common arguments against responsible non-monogamy,  as well as a short beginners guide on how to develop an open relationship with your partner if that is the path that you choose.

What is an Open Relationship?

An Open Relationship is when two or more partners have strong feelings for each other but permit bonds with other individuals outside of the immediate relationship. These bonds can include emotional, spiritual, and/or sexual. Each Open Relationship is different, depending on which set of people you encounter.  What goes for one couple may not necessarily fly with another.

How can a Sexual Open Relationship work?

How can any relationship work?  Through communication, boundaries, trust, respect and love, any form of relationship will experience success between two practicing partners.

If you love someone then why can’t you be monogamous?

This is a very common statement (not a question, because at it’s root it is very accusatory), and unfortunately some people just aren’t programmed to understand the answer to it, because they have been programmed to understand what a “real” relationship is like.  Sex is not love.  Love is not sex. Sex can be an expression of love, however it can also purely be an experience, much in the way that masturbation can.  Believe it or not, there are actually many people that don’t even like to know that their partners masturbate!  They feel bad, or they feel that it means that they aren’t satisfying their partners sexually, which isn’t the case at all usually.  Some people don’t feel the need to masturbate ever, and some people masturbate several times a day.  The problem here isn’t in the partner who is gratifying himself by making himself ejaculate and orgasm, it’s in the partner who feels that they for some reason need to be there for it.

Oh come on, jerking off isn’t the same as sleeping with another person!

You’re right, it’s not.  That’s why people think it’s awesome news to announce “I got laid!” and not awesome news to announce “I came so hard jerking off the other day!“  The point that I am trying to make by comparing the two is to demonstrate the emotional attachment that people often relate towards their partners sexual self in relation to their direct relationship.  Cumming with (or on!) someone or something does not mean you love them or it, it just means you’re cumming, and it should have no impact on what your relationship means to each other so long as it occurs within a set of partners personal boundaries and trust.

I believe that part of a relationship should be about controlling the urge to sleep with other people.

This statement ties into ignorance of what a healthy open relationship actual is.  People assume that individuals in healthy open relationships just fuck whoever they want when ever they want and then at some point go home to their mate.  That isn’t the case.  Healthy Open Relationships operate the same way that any other healthy relationship does, which brings us to boundaries.

Creating Boundaries for an Open Relationship

Any relationship that is going to work requires a set of rules that are used as tools to help build an established set of “the way things are going to be.”  Without this set of rules or boundaries as I like to call them (“rules” makes it sound like this person is your personal property, and he is not), you leave a lot open to a chaos factor of events that may occur that could cause hurt feelings, jealousy, anger or even depression.  A relationship is about being with someone you care about, not about hurting/being hurt by them.  If you don’t set your boundaries then you leave yourself open to chance, and chance loves to fuck up everything.

Communication

My favorite word.  Seriously, nothing makes me happier than communication.  Communication is expressing concerns, desires, ideas, or anything that is on ones mind.  It’s also about asking for information from someone else, not just talking about how you think and feel.  Maintaining a strong dialogue with your partner will go a long way.  You aren’t a mind reader and neither is he — and all of us that wish people would just come along and do everything the right way without having to ask are going to be waiting a long time.

When communicating with your partner about your open relationship, it’s important to be honest and open.  This is someone you care about, after all.  If you don’t feel comfortable telling them things because you are afraid, ashamed or embarrassed, then you have bigger problems at hand.  The term “partner” is key to keep in mind here.  This is someone you care about that you are supposed to be able to work with, and if you can’t express yourself or they wont express themselves, then there is something cracking your foundation that needs to be addressed before you can go any farther.  I don’t like making blanket statements, but my exception to the rule is this: Any relationship without communication is not healthy.

An excellent tool that you can do at home with your partner is called a Yes/No/Maybe list.  A Yes/No/Maybe list is literally a list that you make of all of the things that you are interested in, all of the things that you are not interested in, and all of the things that you might be interested in.  Sit down with your partner — NOT in your bedroom, as this is a personal space and should not carry any work stress nor any negative energy of any type — and each of you draw three columns on a sheet of paper, labeling each column with a Yes, No or Maybe.  Then fill yours in while they do the same.  The things you put into this list can be sexual ideas for yourself, situations that your open relationship may encounter (i.e. I do not feel comfortable with you sleeping with someone in our bed, so I put ‘our bed’ in the No column), or anything else that crosses your mind.  When you are both done take turns reading one notation out loud to each other and discussing it.  This might look something like this:

Brandon B: So in my ‘Yes’ column I put ‘anal sex’.

Michael Cera: You know, I really don’t think I am ready for you to be having anal sex with other people right now…

BB: Is that something that you are firmly against?

MC: Well, I think it’s just kinda a lot to handle right away.

BB: Well maybe we can move that to the Maybe column and discuss it in the future once we get the hang of this?

MC: Yeah, ok I would be willing to revisit this once I feel more comfortable with how this develops.

There!  You now both know exactly where you stand on the issue.  Brandon is interested in having anal sex with someone else, whereas Michael Cera does not want to share him in that way just yet, but Michael is now aware that it’s something Brandon is interested in and will keep that in mind for future discussions.

A few things that I personally think are important to include on the first pass of these lists are as follows:

Kissing on the mouth

Anal sex

Oral Sex

In our bed

Spending the night at their place

Public dates

Meeting the person first

Disclosure of details

Once you get the conversation going you will be surprised how many more things are revealed, and the sharing of information will only strengthen your trust and bond with your partner.

Execution

So you know what you are allowed to do and what you aren’t allowed to do.  Now it’s time for your first encounter.  Depending on what you and your partner have detailed in your Yes/No/Maybe lists, you may need to introduce the person to your mate first for their approval.  If you have agreed that sex with strangers is ok, this obviously isn’t necessary, but it is still important to communicate that it is going to take place and to touch base with your partner on how they are feeling about it.  If they are not feeling so hot about it, abort the date and talk with your partner.  Your relationship is more important than this encounter, and you clearly have more work to do before you can begin your open relationship.

Let’s say that they are fine with it though.  Great!  Now it’s time to keep your found sex partner in the loop.  It’s important to tell this person your situation with your partner and express to them what your intentions are.  Failing to do so may lead to a person feeling led on and can cause some hurt feelings, and while you don’t plan to have a relationship with this new person you certainly do not want to be disrespectful to them.  They are a person too after all and you need to respect them as such.

Follow Up

After your encounter it is a good idea to touch base with your partner again.  This doesn’t have to be the day of if you didn’t specifically agree on disclosure of details immediately, however you do not want to keep it to yourself for a long period of time if disclosure was an important point for your partner.  Explain what happened keeping in mind the terms of your relationship and discuss where you’re at.  If your partner has concerns, address them.  Don’t ever make your partner feel bad for how they feel.  We all have feelings outside our control, and your part in this relationship is to be understanding and to help prevent any situations that might result in your partner not feeling okay with what happened to happen ever again.  If you find yourself in this situation, evaluate what happened with yourself and try to see if you abandoned a rule or two.  Apologize if you did, and do not do it again! You should always have your partners feelings in mind!  If need be, do a new Yes/No/Maybe list.  It should never seem tedious to know how your partner is feeling and what they are thinking.

Like I said, this is a very bare bones beginners guide to open relationships.  There are a lot of concerns such as safety, long-term impact, short-term impact, and more that wasn’t covered here.  If you have any specific questions or comments, please feel free to post them below.

Keep in mind that healthy open relationships are not for everyone.  Monogamy works for a lot of people and they are very satisfied with it, but for some people monogamy causes more problems than it solves.  My hope after reading this is that you will keep all of this in mind when thinking about someone else’s relationship, even if it’s not something you necessarily practice.  Love is love, and it takes many forms.  It is our job as a community to live our own lives and support our friends and loved ones, not limit them through judgment because of our own personal feelings on how things are supposed to be.  People are supposed to be happy, and relationships are supposed to be nurturing and great.