the INQUEERY

When asked “Would you ever masturbate with a pancake made of probably-a-jellyfish?” I shouted an enthusiastic FUCK YES I WOULD.  Who wouldn’t, given the chance?  But sadly, the fantasy of using sea life to masturbate seemed unrealistic.  That is until I received the probably-made-of-jellyfish looking Jac-Off masturbator sleeve in the mail.  I really appreciate it when they succeed in getting the instructions for the toy into its name, and although they spelled Jack wrong I can TOTALLY tell where they are going with this…I am meant to use this to sex myself!  Let’s do it!

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I love sex.  One of my favorite parts of sex is how much fun it can be with the right attitude.  Complimentary to fun sex is a fun sex toy.  They are called toys, afterall.  Well Tenga (of Flip Hole fame) has released a new toy called the Tenga Egg and the packaging alone is a lot of fun.  It’s a masturbation sleeve discreetly hidden inside a little egg casing!  Fuck an egg?  I’m all over that!

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We have come a long way from sticking screwdriver handles in our butts.  Nowadays there are a lot of high-quality toys designed specifically for our anuses that wont result in an embarrassing trip to the ER (“I slipped and fell on it”).  There are some companies that are taking it to the next level and providing luxury toys for your ass.  That’s right — luxury toys designed to make you feel good and get smeared with poop.  God bless America.  LELO has designed a toy that I have had my eye on for a few months now called the Billy.  It’s a vibrating prostate massager and, after listening to my friend Lucy of Sexy Blogtime! rave about her Gigi (the girl version of Billy), I was delighted when mine finally arrived in the mail.

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I have been having some fun with different cockrings lately.  They are like dick-jewelry.  I am also hoping that I am not the only perv who giggled when they first heard the song Single Ladies (If you want it then you should’a…yeah).  That’s why I was really excited when LELO sent me their vibrating cockring called the Bo.  LELO as I have mentioned is one of my favorite toy companies out there and I am enjoying their Homme line a lot!  I’m gonna give this cockring a whirl and see if it tickles my pickle.

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The folks over at LELO were very kind to me.  They are one of the highest-quality toy makers out there and they sent me their entire Homme (for boys) line!  When I received the UPS delivery it was as though I was being blessed by the most perverted god in heaven.  I held the package in my hands and tore it open, tears in my eyes as I gazed upon the goodies I had in store for me.  One such goodie was their gentleman’s plug, the LELO Bob.  They named it after my godfather which I hope doesn’t take away from the experience…

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I went on a date with someone once and they had read my site.  They asked me shortly into the date “if you are so happy with toys then what do you need me for?”  I thought it was a silly question, because obviously toys don’t replace human contact.  They enhance it, which is why they are called toys!  Well there is a new sleeve on the market that is boasting that it actually is better than the real thing.  The new Tenga Flip Hole is a masturbation sleeve unlike any other that has been released to date and has all sorts of bells and whistles that it claims will make you perfectly content with your fake boyfriend.

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I was so excited when I heard that Tantus was making a new buttplug called the B-Bomb.  The name obviously stands for Brandon-Bomb, though Butt-Bomb is also kinda fun to visualize.  Picture a bomb shaped like this, you pull the pin and shove it up your enemies ass, and seconds later he collapses to the floor in euphoric contractions and ecstasy.  That’s my kind of war!  Regardless of whether or not I have been immortalized in silicone, I decided to give this little guy a run and see if he was worthy of having explosives in his name.

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After I was done using the original Tantus Stroker, I locked it in a box and then put that box in another box and then lit it on fire and cast it into the sea.  Seriously, the worst toy ever made.  After much therapy I came around to masturbating again and learned that Tantus had taken my review seriously.  I said it was too tight and needed to be larger.  I said it was too short and needed to be longer.  I said it felt like getting deep throated by Jaws and needed to feel like being deep throated by not a shark.  They presented me with their new and supposedly improved version, the Tantus Stroker XL.  All of my suggested changes have been made, so I decided to give them another chance.

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There is a popular phrase that I try to keep in my head at all times.  Well there are several actually.  Mostly quotes from The Golden Girls.   But in this case it’s one of those life-phrases.  “If it sounds too good to be true it probably is.”  That’s why I was very interested to see what the Oro-Stimulator was like, because it’s claim to peen fame sounded pretty incredible.  “Strokes up and down your penis…all by itself!”  Yeah, sure, next thing you’re going to tell me is that we are blowing up the moon.  Well I am an equal opportunity masturbator so I decided to give it a whirl.

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I am a sucker for sex toys that are fun to look at.  Maybe it’s an appearance hang up that I will always have to deal with, being born and raised in Los Angeles and all.  It’s not a bad thing in my opinion though, and sometimes it makes things that I find visually enticing just that much more fun (see: David Beckham).  When I first saw the Flexi Felix I knew that we were meant to be together in butt-to-worm matrimony.

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