Ever since I first met the Sliquid Organics Gel I have been a very happy camper, and if you like it as much as I do then you are probably going to love Sliquid Oceanics because it is essentially the same thing, except with a pretty cool twist!

Sliquid Oceanics is infused with several things that I have trouble pronouncing; specifically carrageenan, nori, and wakame. I recognized nori, I love sushi and I know that meant sea weed, and the thought that they are putting sea weed into lube!? That’s some satanic 2012 bullshit there. Why on earth would you put something so gross feeling, so slippery, so slimey, so slick into a lubri…..OOOOOH!

You can really feel the difference, too. Although the Organic Gel version on its own already lasted a good long while, the Oceanics lube really goes the distance! I gave it the taste test and it has no flavor which is great when you plan on giving head and want to use some lube to give your cocksucking skills an extra boost. Using it to jack off requires little to no reapplication depending on how much you use.  I always tell people the more lube the better!

When used anally it really does make all the difference. I had a lovely morning with my Pure Wand the other day and Sliquid Oceanics kept my booty nice and slick the entire time.

It has all the benefits of its gel sister — it’s vegan, organic, etc.  The sea weed boost just puts it over the top, and if all that wasn’t great enough, it’s also been shown that carrageenans are extremely potent inhibitors of HPV infection. Wow.

I really can’t think of a more perfect water-based lubricant. Feel free to use that quote in your next issue, Cosmo.

Sliquid Oceanics is available at The Pleasure Chest.

I have said it before and I’ll say it again — I am a bit of a sex toy and lube snob at this point.  Once you see the difference in the quality stuff versus the junk it’s really difficult to give the less expensive lubes the time of day.  Which is sorta why I never bothered to try Gun Oil H2O.  It isn’t dramatically less expensive than some of the other lubes out there (the 2oz. bottle I bought was $6.95), but the packaging looks kitschy and cheap.  I can appreciate the bullet shaped bottle in theory but in practice it just looks like a horse suppository.

But I decided to give it a closer look and was surprised by the ingredients.  Water, HEC, PEG 45, Methylparaben, Propylparaben, Polyquatemium, Tetrasodium EDTA, Germall 11, Sodium Benzoate, Aspartame (an artificial sweetener), Polysorbate 20, Aloe Vera Extract, and Ginseng.  Aloe vera is believed to help moisturize skin which, if true, in this scenario would come in handy! (“come in handy!”…did anyone catch that?  Just me?  Ok..)  Ginseng is believed to have aphrodisiac properties, as well as act as an aid for sexual dysfunction in men.  Now, whether applying it topically in the diluted amount  that is in this lube makes any difference at all is questionable, but I thought I’d mention it.

Now as you have possibly learned from prior postings, water-based lubes are best for jacking off and for blowjobs, not for anal, so I only tested it for those.  I don’t recommend water-based lubes for anal because they dry up really fast, absorb into your body, etc…So stick with a good silicone for the buttsects.

Jacking off with Gun Oil H2O was surprisingly good!  I put my snobbery aside and focused on its performance and it went the distance.  I typically use a decent amount, especially with thinner lubes like this one,  so I don’t experience a lot of drying up.  If your lube dries up a lot try using more per squirt.  You can never have enough lube, and the less you use the faster it dries up.

I don’t know that the aloe or the ginseng made any difference.  After I was finished I washed my hands and they felt soft but I think that’s just what happens when you wash your hands…But it felt great when jerking off.

As for blowjobs…I am not sure why there is aspartame in this lube.  If it’s to mask the awful taste then it fails, it tastes like some green house cleaning product.  Yuck!  Don’t put it in your mouth, just keep it in your hand and wrapped around your happy cock.

Gun Oil H2O provided by The Pleasure Chest.  You can also support The INQUEERY by purchasing some from the online store in 4oz, 8oz, or even a massive 16oz size!

I’ve said it many times before, I love when sex products are playful. They are sex toys, after all. A bottle of lube that comes in a prescription bottle? I’m on board. I am also a fan of the potentially cheesey jokes that can be made about it (“Have a headache? Well I have just the thing to soothe your throbbing head… *wink wink*”)

Get it? “Head” “ache”? Ok whatever, you’ll get it later.

DJ Prescription lube is Hypoallergenic for those with sensitive skin. It’s also glycerin and paraben free, which is also good. The list of benefits that it beats its chest about go on and on, though one of them stands out as kinda disgusting to me. See if you can guess which one curdled my man-milk:

- Preservative free!

- Contains Vitamin E and Andiroba Oil, know for its anti-inflammatory and anti-allergic properties!

- Strong moisturization and hydration!

- No need to wash after use!

- Non staining!

If you guessed “No need to wash after use” you are most correct. What the hell!? What kind of nasty bastard wouldn’t wash his hand after jacking off with lube? I am never touching another pole on the subway ever again.

Ignore my germaphobe reaction to the post self-coitus hand staining and let’s focus on the motion of the lotion.

This lube is really drippy and has the consistency of semen, basically. It’s milky and thin and slick. I was concerned about how thin it felt, despite feeling slick, because this usually means that it’s going to dry up fast.

But I was wrong! I was jacking off to some video that a stranger online sent me of him jacking off and found that Doc Johnson’s Prescription lube was slick and felt great and required little to no reapplication. Just what the doctor ordered! *wink wink* Ok no more cheesey jokes, sorry.

So alright, nice going Doc Johnson! For only $7 this makes a really great inexpensive lube to jack off with. I wouldn’t use this for anal anything, but it lasts long on the dick and feels great, and it’s safe to say that it would be safe to overdose!

Doc Johnson Prescription Natural Lube provided by SexToy.com.  You can buy it and other fun Lubricants from their online shop!

I am a Taurus, and I think that means I like pretty things.  Things that are aesthetically pleasing to the eye make me happy because I am a superficial tramp.  Well Probe is the hottest 99¢-store-shampoo-bottle looking mess I have ever seen.  It looks like someone emptied out some Pert Plus, printed out a sticker to cover the label and then refilled the bottle. I know there’s a recession and all but really Probe?  You couldn’t hire one straight out of design school scrub to give you a few pointers with the packaging?

Anyway…Probe is a water-based lubricant.  It contains vegetable glycerin, polyethylene oxide, and grapefruit seed extract, so it’s easy to clean up and ideal for oral, jerking off, or toys.

I must say, they weren’t kidding when they said it felt like no other lubricant on the market, because it doesn’t feel or even look like a lube.  It feels and looks like pre-cum!  This lube is super-slick and semi-thick, but has a really really stringy viscosity.  Everyone that I talk to at the store thinks it looks disgusting, but I kinda have a thing for pre-cum so I thought that was great!  Of course they said it looked less like pre-cum and more like snot, and yeah I guess that might seem a little nasty…

I got to jerking and Probe felt reeeeally good!  I was surprised, but then when I thought about it some more it made sense that it worked well.  When giving head or handjobs, using the other persons pre-cum (or even your own) to lube up the head of their dick always makes for a much slicker ride and feels great.

Probe didn’t seem to last for longer, drawn out jerk-off sessions, but it did last a good long time and was fun to reapply.  It was like having Michael Lucas spitting all over me.

I can’t imagine using this for anal, but it works great for blowjobs if you are into making a mess.  It doesn’t have any nasty flavor which is excellent, and the stringy gooey nature of Probe makes for some hot looking slobbering mouths.  Maybe that’s a little too pornstar of me, but I love the sloppy look of someone’s mouth while they’re sucking me off. (Mom, if you still read my blog, please never bring that last line up in conversation with me…)

Overall I think Probe lives up to its fame and is an excellent inexpensive lubricant for jerking off, toys and blowjobs.  If you can get over how it looks and give it a try, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised!

Probe provided by and available at The Pleasure Chest New York.  You can support TheINQUEERY by purchasing it from the online store in either an 8oz or 2.5oz size.

John the inflatable love doll is made of 100% vinyl.  Although vinyl typically has fewer concerning chemicals in it, it’s still a porous material (it has the potential to harbor bacteria), so I’m going to have to remember to wash John with some nice antibacterial soap when I am done with him.

It only took me about 30 minutes to fully inflate him, and once he was filled with my hot air we were good to go!  I really wanted to have the full experience of being with another person, so I planned a date for us.  First we went to dinner.

I must admit the looks that we got were a little concerning to me.  I wasn’t trying to get arrested so I let John borrow a pair of my skinny jeans and a cute H&M button up that I had in 4 different colors.  Unfortunately he doesn’t have much of anything going on for a crotch, so I also padded him with a few rolled up tube-socks that I bought off the Myrtle JMZ stop for $2 a pack.

I ordered for him, keeping in mind that anything too hot might cause him to pop.  I ordered a walnut salad with dressing on the side for him, and for myself I ordered a rib eye steak, mashed potatoes, a side of BBQ sauce and the soup of the day.

During dinner I would reach across the table to “feed” John his food, and it was so romantical!  Although it dribble down the front of his shirt (his mouth sadly doesn’t open), it was really more about the feeling of empowerment and connection inside of me.  I decided ENOUGH GAMES and took John back to my place.

I found John to be a very interesting lover.  His personality seemed more like a top, but when I got him home and naked he was a total lazy bottom.  I really hate it when people don’t put effort into sex, and John is really one of the laziest lays I’ve had in a long time.  I will admit, I was a little sad.

I rubbed his body with silicone lube and then straddled him.  I found a really nice place on his nose to thrust my hips against, and before I knew it I was actually having a pretty intense orgasm!

I was surprised at how much I actually enjoyed myself despite the minor setbacks of him being so lethargic in the sack.  I highly recommend you all go buy an inflatable love doll, take it out to dinner, and explore your sexuality in a way that will change your life forever!

John the Inflatable Love Doll provided by The Pleasure Chest.

For starters let me just comment on the idea of putting “pheromones” in a lube.  If you get to the point where they are smelling your lube, I think it’s safe to say that you have successfully seduced your prey date.

Let me bore you and talk about what pheromones are for a minute.  There are a lot of different types of pheromones in the animal kingdom, some good some bad.  In the sex industry they tend to get advertised in the “good” way, though it hasn’t been proven that humans can even detect pheromones!  Pheromones are detected by the vomeronasal organ, and while humans possess something similar to this organ there is no actual function to it.  We can detect the smells that pheromones produce, but we lack the sensory cells to detect it as anything other than a smell.  In the case of the attractant pheromone, we are talking about Androstenone, which is produced by sweat and urine.  Sounds scrumptious…

So basically this lube has sweat and urine in it.

Just kidding! The ingredients list that it merely contains “pheromones”, so who knows what is actually in it.

I will tell you something that is in it that I hate — “fragrance”.  UGH dear God, fragrance.  That always means one thing and one thing only — it’s going to smell floral.  And I was right!

Using this lube is like fucking your grandmother’s armpit.  The smell of perfume that comes from this lube could only be deemed a pheromone by the wealthiest of Upper East Side 90-year-old women.  They have a club, I’m certain, where they all wear fur and talk about how they smear this lube on their money right before they rub it all over their wrinkled decaying bodies.

Beyond that, the lube contains glycerine, which I have always found to make lube dry up faster, and sure enough I found myself having to re-apply more than once to get the job done.  But the smell!  God the SMELL.  Have you ever smelled the inside of a My Little Pony?  They made it into a lube.

Side track, true story — I said that above line to my co-worker regarding this lube:

Him: “How do you know what the inside of a My Little Pony smells like?!”

Me: “…..GO WINDEX SOMETHING.”

Maybe for older ladies, but definitely not for gays.  Unless you like flowers, then hey!  Give it a shot.  However be warned — this lube made my dick angry at me and it didn’t talk to me for an hour after.  Luckily I was able to entice it with the 400 other lubes that I had gathered on my nightstand.  You know I love you baby…

Wet Pheromone provided by TRIGG Laboratories.

I love being touched and I love touching, especially if tattoos are involved.  I always encourage people to either get massages or massage your partners because it not only helps develop a sexy, intimate bond between the two of you, but it helps relieve stress and makes you horny.  At least it does for me.

Jimmyjane’s Afterglow candles are really cool.  They are made of a soy-based wax which is infused with various essential oils.  All of the ingredients in the Afterglow candles are cosmetic-grade and safe for the skin.

The way they work is simple.  You light the wick like any other candle and then let it burn.  As the wax melts, it becomes a massage oil, warm to the touch (not hot to the touch like regular candles).  You can then pour the wax on your partner or use the applicator brush to lightly coat them head to toe.

I’ve used this with a few peeps and it always results in a really nice evening.  Candles add a little class into otherwise routine sex lives.  Plus everyone looks better by candle light, and we’ve all slept with people where that would come in handy…

One of my favorite uses for these though is as a body moisturizer.  I light a candle before I hop in the shower and then when I am done spending 40 minutes on my hair, I apply the wax to myself as though it were a regular lotion.  The scent is nice and subtle but stays with you throughout the day, all the while keeping your skin soft to the touch.  Plus they don’t have that nasty sharp taste that colognes do so you can put them where ever you want!

They come in all sorts of scents, my favorites being Dark Vanilla and Black Currant.  Pink Lotus, Bourbon, Fig Leaf, Cucumber Water, and Chocolate (which smells WAY too much like chocolate for my personal taste) are also available.

Whether you’re rubbing some hottie or just making yourself a soft nice-smelling beast, these candles are a lot of fun and work great!  They run about $25 and last for about 42 hours or so.  Fun!

Jimmyjane Afterglow Massage Oil Candle provided by The Pleasure Chest.

The problem with water-based lubricants when it comes to doing it up the butt is that they tend to dry out pretty quick.  Since they are literally made of water-soluble formulas they tend to evaporate, dry up, even absorb into the skin with use, usually leaving the fuck-ee vulnerable to all kinds of uncomfortable things such as stickiness, friction, and..let’s go ahead and say terrorist attacks.

Like all System JO water-based products, the glycerin in System JO H20 Anal is derived from plant cellulose, giving cause for vegans to rejoice (other types of glycerin are typically derived from animal fat, yuck).

This special formula claims that it is formulated to feel just like silicone lube.  To my knowledge it is the only water-based lube to make such an outrageous claim, so I put it to the test on several occasions.

Jerking off with this is pretty impressive.  It doesn’t have the thickness that some of my other favorite lubes such as Maximus and Sassy have, but it stays slick a long time especially considering it’s a water-base.  And it totally feels like silicone, except for after use when it seems to take on a slightly greasy texture.  Although that’s not cute, it washes off easy with water and no soap, so I forgave it.

As for as anal toys go, it’s kinda nice to be able to use something that feels like silicone with silicone toys.  Typically you can’t use silicone lubes with silicone toys because they melt the toy, but this gives you the same siliconey sensation without destroying your ass blaster 3000.  Yay!

And then there is sex.  Hard, fast, hair-pulling, up against the wall anal sex (at least that time it was, woof).  I am pleased to report this lube goes the distance and lasted the entire time with minimal reapplication!  It’s smooth and slippery and doesn’t taste bad — it actually tastes semi sweet for some reason, which made it really great to use for giving head and eating ass.  After I was done with whatever-his-name-was, it was really easy to wash off and washed out of my sheets with ease!

I am really impressed with this lube.  It does everything that it claims to do and is really easy to clean up.  On top of that it is a fraction of the price of it’s silicone sister — only $14 for an 8oz bottle and $10 for a 4.5oz bottle online!  It can be kinda hard to find in stores, but at those prices online there is no reason not to just order it from the web.  Two thumbs and one happy peen way up!

System JO H20 Anal provided by SexToy.com.  You can support The INQUEERY by purchasing it and other fun Lubricants from their online shop!

A customer once told me that the bottles for the Sliquid Organics line looked too fruity.  He said this to me, who was wearing black nail polish and a Madonna Something to Remember shirt at the time.  I ignored all that and gave the run down on why Sliquid makes great lube for jerking off.

For starts this lube is completely safe for your body.  The ingredients include Plant cellulose (from cotton), aloe barbadensis (certified organic), Natural tocopherols (vitamin E), cyamopsis (guar conditioners), extracts of hibiscus, flax, green tea & sunflower seed, citric acid (citrus fruits), Menthol, Citric Acid (Citrus fruits) and phenoxyethanol (rose ether).

Secondly, due to the fact that it is made out of all natural crap, it doesn’t have a nasty taste like other lubes do.  Perfect for giving blowjobs!  But that’s not the only reason this is great for oral.

It was originally marketed as a warming lubricant, however it doesn’t actually warm up so they changed it to a stimulating lube, and it does that well!  The menthol and citric acid in this lube makes for a cool tingling sensation on sensitive areas of the body.  You know those Dentine Ice commercials where everyone is blowing frost?  Well this is sorta like that except the frost is coming out of the bottle and landing on your dick.

Using this lube felt great in that regard.  What made it even better was the thick viscosity and it’s seemingly long lasting slickness.  It didn’t dry up for me once, but if it had then I could have just spit on it to make it slippery again because it is reactivated by water.

I wouldn’t use this as an anal sex lube, but it’s really cool as an anal masturbation lube!  I used it earlier today actually and my ass is still tingling.  It almost feels like a wintergreen Altoid dissolved in there.  If you wanted to use this with someone for anal, I would use it when fingering him first to get the tingling sensation going and then switch over to a good silicone such as System JO Anal.

Sliquid Organics Stimulating Gel is a great lube for those who want to jerk off or give head with a little kick.  It’ll leave you and your partner tingling all night long.  Now that’s what I call my kind of stimulus package!

(Bad joke AWESOME joke)

Sliquid Organics Stimulating Gel provided by The Pleasure Chest.  You can support The Inqueery by purchasing a bottle from our online store at SexToys.com.

Let’s be honest, it stinks.  We have spent the last two years putting procedures and testing in place to avoid this exact situation.  We have used a certified, independent lab to produce our formula for the last year and half.  This lab tests our product internally with every lot produced, and six times a year we spot check our formula with another outside lab specifically looking for the three major ED actives (we always came back clean).  All this testing aside, we failed our customers by not identifying one of these ED analogues.

To read the entire statement click here.