Confession time; I am terrified of the ocean. Not just the ocean, really any body of water, or even like, a stream, or water dripping off a roof, or a garbage can lid turned upside down and left out in the rain. It’s not a fear that I feel the need to confront, I am perfectly happy being afraid of water. Specifically the animals and plants in it. Really anything with a slime element just gives me the hardcore creeps. That’s why when I heard that one of my favorite lubricants was releasing a new formula called Sliquid Oceanics which is infused with elements of the ocean, I had very mixed feelings. If I wouldn’t even dare to put my foot in the ocean, would I dare to put something from the ocean in my ass? These are the deepest thoughts I ever have.
I was talking to this guy and when I decided that I wanted to sleep with him I asked him the usual questions anyone asks a guy when they want to coyly suggest you should make the beast with two backs together; “What kind of lube do you use?” His answer was one I’ve heard before and it always makes me clutch my pearls — he used KY, unless he is caught up in the moment, in which case he uses whatever is around (the example he gave me was shampoo one time in the shower). It was a combination of my maternal instincts and sheer terror at the idea of Head & Shoulders in my ass that made me go lube shopping for him. I usually go right for my favorites but this time I paused on a lube that I usually breeze over; Gun Oil H2O. I realized I had never tried this lube and needed something new to review so I picked some up for me and I got him some tried and true non-shampoo based lubes.
People ask me from time to time if I miss Los Angeles. I always want to say “Why yes I do” when asked, but then I think back to what LA was like; a nightmare MTA, pollution that was visible to a startling degree, Ed Hardy…It’s then that I have to resign and confess “Why no, not really.” That being said there are aspects of LA lifestyle that I enjoy, if for nothing other than the sheer parody value of the stereotypes. One such stereotype is that LA is full of designer drug pill-poppers. I would always tell people that I totally used Vico recreationally, when in fact I am not a fan of any pills, recreational or otherwise. Flash forward to this week when I received this new Doc Johnson Prescription Natural Lube in the mail. Fun, it looks like pills! I decided to take the BB dick wagon down memory lane and give it a go.
My peen has seen many’a lube, and it has a wealth of lube-wisdom. Something that it realized a while back was that although there are tons of different types of lubricants, their differences case by case can sometimes be very minute, and in some cases not all that unique. You’ve got your thin water-base, your thick gel, your hybrid water/silicone silk, your oil, your silicone, etc etc… But I have heard of a lube that is unlike any other lube on the market for years now called Probe. We used to carry it at The Pleasure Chest in New York but I never got to try it. Recently, we got word that we were able to order it again, so I decided it was time to see what all the fuss was about.
One of the common complaints I hear from people regarding sex toys is that they are lacking that human connection. Whilst I believe they can help you connect with yourself, I do understand the desire to be with another person more often than not, and I will confess that as of late I have been a little lonesome and depressed. I just want to feel someone’s arms around me, but at the same time not have to worry about the stress of establishing a relationship. The good people at Pipedream sent me a little fella they think will do just the trick for me — John the inflatable love doll. Does he make me feel like a natural woman?
I had a date the other night after I had spent the day cleaning my apartment. I had collected my various bottles of lube from around my studio and put them all in one place next to my bed. I don’t really have a home for them all and I can’t bring myself to throw them away, and till now they have been just hanging out where ever, but I decided that might not be the cutest visual on earth. So this guy comes over and points out “Wow you have a lot of lube” and he knows what I do and everything but still I think he was a little freaked out by the gathering. Like I was going to season him with all of the various lubricants and then FEAST. Well I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, you can never have or use enough lube! Lube is great, and that’s why I am always happy to try new ones. Some sweet fella over at TRIGG Laboratories contacted me and asked if I’d be interested in testing a few of their products. I said sure, and one of the first ones that caught my eye was the Wet Pheromone lube. I wont lie — I just like the colors of the bottle…
I have a very sensitive nose. I love nice smells, but my nose is really picky about what it deems is nice and what is not. There are maybe three colognes total that I can tolerate, and absolutely no perfumes. I love more natural scents, like lavender or sage, because I am a tattooed hippie homo. True story; in high school I dated a girl (that’s the type without a penis) for 7 months, 6 months of which was purely because of the lotion she wore. It was this pear body lotion that she’d rub on her hands and arms, and I’d hold her hand just so my hand would smell like said lotion. Well Jimmyjane supplies these really cool scented massage candles called Afterglow and they sounded like something me and my nose could get behind.
One of the biggest complaints that people have about silicone lube is that it stains your sheets. While this is only partly true (adding a little alcohol to the stain before washing your sheets usually gets the silicone out), I am always on the hunt for the perfect lube. That’s why I was so pleased when I was sent System JO Anal H20 to review. Anyone that knows me knows that I swear by their silicone formula after years of being a whore, so I was really interested to see how their water-based equivalent would measure up. Dare I say that I am infinitely impressed with System JO? It’s quite possible. Let’s see!
As a Taurus, I enjoy my routines and ruts. As a child, when asked what my favorite animal was I said a rock. My sedimentary attitude doesn’t necessarily transfer over to my sex life though, as is made evident by my apparent desire to use every lube in the universe at least once. And what better lube to try when attempting to spice things up than one that claims to “heighten sensitivity and provide a deep pleasurable stimulating sensation during use“? Sliquid Organics Stimulating Gel claims to do just that, and what’s best is it’s 100% organic and Vegan! Does it live up to it’s rep?
Let’s be honest, it stinks. We have spent the last two years putting procedures and testing in place to avoid this exact situation. We have used a certified, independent lab to produce our formula for the last year and half. This lab tests our product internally with every lot produced, and six times a year we spot check our formula with another outside lab specifically looking for the three major ED actives (we always came back clean). All this testing aside, we failed our customers by not identifying one of these ED analogues.
To read the entire statement click here.