Welcome to e[lust] - Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #18? Start with the rules, check out the schedule and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

Editor’s Note: A little change in how things are done for this edition – you’ll notice there are no “Top 3″ picks – due in part to the holiday I ended up being extremely short on judges and I didn’t have enough for fair voting. So instead, I expanded my “Featured Post”. (If you’d like to volunteer to be an occasional judge for e[lust], just email me, Lilly, at questions.e.lust @ gmail.com) Also, please be sure to check out the new summer schedule in effect until the 20th edition.

~ Featured Posts (Lilly’s Pick) ~

Why Pride is Still Important – When someone tells me that they don’t think Pride is necessary, I can’t help but believe that they go through life with tunnel vision. I live in New York where for the most part I can walk around being a big ol’ queen and I’ll make it home alive, but there are people who live in places where they can’t. Even here in New York you’ll get called a faggot from time to time by passing cars or groups of punks, and even here in New York I hear stories of people getting the shit kicked out of them just because they were gay.

Fantasies and Condoms – Our culture has created a narrative in which sex only feels good and looks sexy if no one is protected. We’re all suffering from this narrative, but sex workers are probably suffering the most.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

Some days we need a little hope – I encourage you to practice random acts of kindness that could be worthy of inclusion on the site (GivesMeHope.com). Be nice, be caring, let your heart open up just for the sake of bringing someone some happiness or comfort. Do you know how good it feels to just give?

See also: Pleasurists #83 and #84 for all your sex toy review needs.

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Kink & Fetish

An Anal Adventure
Bound in the Night
Being a Tart
Danger may explode without warning
Found It: Pearls for the Submissive Wife
Morning Rituals
Shoe Slut
(another!) Shoe Slut
Spanking my ass while fucking so he feels every wiggle
Submission is impossible in the absence of humanity
Strip, boy
Swallow Falls
The Trigger
The Beast with Three Backs

Erotic Writing

A long hot day
And then we kissed…
A Picture of Lust
Ass Plug
‘Come For Me…’
Depths
Exchange II
Forbidden Fantasy
Fucking Mika for the first time
Good Things Come To Those Who Wait
Getting Off…On The Road
Katie’s First Time
Master Class
My Favourite Waste of Time
Microfantasy Monday, week 84: Addiction
Picture to Word 2
Sociable
Saturday Night Plans
Safe Sex
The Train
Thunderstorms are Sexy
Teaching Respect (Part 1)
You First

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Adventures in Birth Control
Erotic Awakening: A Swinger’s Comments
Friends With Benefits His Lush Behind!
Getting Started – Hotel Parties
Greetings From The Deep End – Swinging and Openness
How To Have Multiple Orgasms
Mr. Strong
Play Safe. Stay Safe. Get Tested. Be Protected.
Political Cuddling: Asking, Talking, Touching
Reflections on Glass
Something I Wish I’d Had 10 Years Ago
Sex: A required part of the college curriculum
Shades of Grey
Three’s Company
Ten Life Lessons I’m Learning from Enslavement
Uncomfortable
Walk of Shut The Fuck Up

Sex News, Interviews, Politics and Humor

Interview with Scarlett Chaos aka Essin’Em
The Media is Not Responsible for Your Poor Body Image
To Shave or Not to Shave

And you guys thought I was just trying to sell you the expensive stuff to make a buck. Well fuck a buck! Maybe this will finally convince you that those cheap lubes you keep cramming in your fanny suck. Now they are proven to possibly be toxic!

The 2010 International Microbicides Conference released two studies on May 25th regarding the safety of select lubricants when used for anal sex, and wouldn’t you know that some of them are bad for your bum.

The researchers found in one study that those who used some of the most popular lubricants on the market were three times more likely to have rectal sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Another study found that some of these lubricants were actually toxic to cells, causing cellular death within the anus, resulting in a vulnerable target for HIV transmission.

Before you all start clutching your pearls you should know which lubricants were tested and why they did the damage they did. Astroglide, KY Jelly, ID Glide, Elbow Grease, Wet Platinum, and Pre’ were the lubes tested. The studies showed that Wet Platinum and Pre’ were safest to use for anal due to the fact that they didn’t cause cell damage or damage to the rectal lining. This is most likely due to the fact that Wet Platinum is the only silicone-based lubricant among the bunch (i.e. it doesn’t contain toxic chemicals) and Pre’ is a non-toxic sperm friendly lubricant, typically used with Pre-Seed for couples attempting to make more brats to crowd the J train at 3:00.

However, the hyperosmolar nature of the other lubricants was associated with cellular toxicity. This literally means that the other lubricants were found to be dehydrating and thus killing the cells within your butt, resulting in an increased risk to HIV and STI transmission.

The likely culprit is glycerin, which is a pretty nasty chemical to be internalizing anally or vaginally.

To read the press release click here.

Click here for my favorite water-based glycerin free lubricant — Sliquid Organics Gel!  If you’re a silicone man, check out my favorite — System JO Anal Premium!

Play smart, gentlemen!

An article was posted by the New York Times yesterday discussing open relationships.  The article revealed that a soon to be released study showed that 50% of gay couples polled were in happy open relationships.

The negative backlash to the topic of open relationships is something that practitioners and polygamists are familiar with.  It’s an argument that will often times draw anger from those that oppose open relationships, or at best elicit responses such as “I could never do it, but to each his own.”

The following is a brief example of why open relationships work for many, my responses to the various common arguments against responsible non-monogamy,  as well as a short beginners guide on how to develop an open relationship with your partner if that is the path that you choose.

What is an Open Relationship?

An Open Relationship is when two or more partners have strong feelings for each other but permit bonds with other individuals outside of the immediate relationship. These bonds can include emotional, spiritual, and/or sexual. Each Open Relationship is different, depending on which set of people you encounter.  What goes for one couple may not necessarily fly with another.

How can a Sexual Open Relationship work?

How can any relationship work?  Through communication, boundaries, trust, respect and love, any form of relationship will experience success between two practicing partners.

If you love someone then why can’t you be monogamous?

This is a very common statement (not a question, because at it’s root it is very accusatory), and unfortunately some people just aren’t programmed to understand the answer to it, because they have been programmed to understand what a “real” relationship is like.  Sex is not love.  Love is not sex. Sex can be an expression of love, however it can also purely be an experience, much in the way that masturbation can.  Believe it or not, there are actually many people that don’t even like to know that their partners masturbate!  They feel bad, or they feel that it means that they aren’t satisfying their partners sexually, which isn’t the case at all usually.  Some people don’t feel the need to masturbate ever, and some people masturbate several times a day.  The problem here isn’t in the partner who is gratifying himself by making himself ejaculate and orgasm, it’s in the partner who feels that they for some reason need to be there for it.

Oh come on, jerking off isn’t the same as sleeping with another person!

You’re right, it’s not.  That’s why people think it’s awesome news to announce “I got laid!” and not awesome news to announce “I came so hard jerking off the other day!“  The point that I am trying to make by comparing the two is to demonstrate the emotional attachment that people often relate towards their partners sexual self in relation to their direct relationship.  Cumming with (or on!) someone or something does not mean you love them or it, it just means you’re cumming, and it should have no impact on what your relationship means to each other so long as it occurs within a set of partners personal boundaries and trust.

I believe that part of a relationship should be about controlling the urge to sleep with other people.

This statement ties into ignorance of what a healthy open relationship actual is.  People assume that individuals in healthy open relationships just fuck whoever they want when ever they want and then at some point go home to their mate.  That isn’t the case.  Healthy Open Relationships operate the same way that any other healthy relationship does, which brings us to boundaries.

Creating Boundaries for an Open Relationship

Any relationship that is going to work requires a set of rules that are used as tools to help build an established set of “the way things are going to be.”  Without this set of rules or boundaries as I like to call them (“rules” makes it sound like this person is your personal property, and he is not), you leave a lot open to a chaos factor of events that may occur that could cause hurt feelings, jealousy, anger or even depression.  A relationship is about being with someone you care about, not about hurting/being hurt by them.  If you don’t set your boundaries then you leave yourself open to chance, and chance loves to fuck up everything.

Communication

My favorite word.  Seriously, nothing makes me happier than communication.  Communication is expressing concerns, desires, ideas, or anything that is on ones mind.  It’s also about asking for information from someone else, not just talking about how you think and feel.  Maintaining a strong dialogue with your partner will go a long way.  You aren’t a mind reader and neither is he — and all of us that wish people would just come along and do everything the right way without having to ask are going to be waiting a long time.

When communicating with your partner about your open relationship, it’s important to be honest and open.  This is someone you care about, after all.  If you don’t feel comfortable telling them things because you are afraid, ashamed or embarrassed, then you have bigger problems at hand.  The term “partner” is key to keep in mind here.  This is someone you care about that you are supposed to be able to work with, and if you can’t express yourself or they wont express themselves, then there is something cracking your foundation that needs to be addressed before you can go any farther.  I don’t like making blanket statements, but my exception to the rule is this: Any relationship without communication is not healthy.

An excellent tool that you can do at home with your partner is called a Yes/No/Maybe list.  A Yes/No/Maybe list is literally a list that you make of all of the things that you are interested in, all of the things that you are not interested in, and all of the things that you might be interested in.  Sit down with your partner — NOT in your bedroom, as this is a personal space and should not carry any work stress nor any negative energy of any type — and each of you draw three columns on a sheet of paper, labeling each column with a Yes, No or Maybe.  Then fill yours in while they do the same.  The things you put into this list can be sexual ideas for yourself, situations that your open relationship may encounter (i.e. I do not feel comfortable with you sleeping with someone in our bed, so I put ‘our bed’ in the No column), or anything else that crosses your mind.  When you are both done take turns reading one notation out loud to each other and discussing it.  This might look something like this:

Brandon B: So in my ‘Yes’ column I put ‘anal sex’.

Michael Cera: You know, I really don’t think I am ready for you to be having anal sex with other people right now…

BB: Is that something that you are firmly against?

MC: Well, I think it’s just kinda a lot to handle right away.

BB: Well maybe we can move that to the Maybe column and discuss it in the future once we get the hang of this?

MC: Yeah, ok I would be willing to revisit this once I feel more comfortable with how this develops.

There!  You now both know exactly where you stand on the issue.  Brandon is interested in having anal sex with someone else, whereas Michael Cera does not want to share him in that way just yet, but Michael is now aware that it’s something Brandon is interested in and will keep that in mind for future discussions.

A few things that I personally think are important to include on the first pass of these lists are as follows:

Kissing on the mouth

Anal sex

Oral Sex

In our bed

Spending the night at their place

Public dates

Meeting the person first

Disclosure of details

Once you get the conversation going you will be surprised how many more things are revealed, and the sharing of information will only strengthen your trust and bond with your partner.

Execution

So you know what you are allowed to do and what you aren’t allowed to do.  Now it’s time for your first encounter.  Depending on what you and your partner have detailed in your Yes/No/Maybe lists, you may need to introduce the person to your mate first for their approval.  If you have agreed that sex with strangers is ok, this obviously isn’t necessary, but it is still important to communicate that it is going to take place and to touch base with your partner on how they are feeling about it.  If they are not feeling so hot about it, abort the date and talk with your partner.  Your relationship is more important than this encounter, and you clearly have more work to do before you can begin your open relationship.

Let’s say that they are fine with it though.  Great!  Now it’s time to keep your found sex partner in the loop.  It’s important to tell this person your situation with your partner and express to them what your intentions are.  Failing to do so may lead to a person feeling led on and can cause some hurt feelings, and while you don’t plan to have a relationship with this new person you certainly do not want to be disrespectful to them.  They are a person too after all and you need to respect them as such.

Follow Up

After your encounter it is a good idea to touch base with your partner again.  This doesn’t have to be the day of if you didn’t specifically agree on disclosure of details immediately, however you do not want to keep it to yourself for a long period of time if disclosure was an important point for your partner.  Explain what happened keeping in mind the terms of your relationship and discuss where you’re at.  If your partner has concerns, address them.  Don’t ever make your partner feel bad for how they feel.  We all have feelings outside our control, and your part in this relationship is to be understanding and to help prevent any situations that might result in your partner not feeling okay with what happened to happen ever again.  If you find yourself in this situation, evaluate what happened with yourself and try to see if you abandoned a rule or two.  Apologize if you did, and do not do it again! You should always have your partners feelings in mind!  If need be, do a new Yes/No/Maybe list.  It should never seem tedious to know how your partner is feeling and what they are thinking.

Like I said, this is a very bare bones beginners guide to open relationships.  There are a lot of concerns such as safety, long-term impact, short-term impact, and more that wasn’t covered here.  If you have any specific questions or comments, please feel free to post them below.

Keep in mind that healthy open relationships are not for everyone.  Monogamy works for a lot of people and they are very satisfied with it, but for some people monogamy causes more problems than it solves.  My hope after reading this is that you will keep all of this in mind when thinking about someone else’s relationship, even if it’s not something you necessarily practice.  Love is love, and it takes many forms.  It is our job as a community to live our own lives and support our friends and loved ones, not limit them through judgment because of our own personal feelings on how things are supposed to be.  People are supposed to be happy, and relationships are supposed to be nurturing and great.

Well it’s that time of year again.  The last day of 2009.  People are joining gyms around the nation that they will visit maybe four times, nicotine patches will be ripped off of triceps and hurled into garbage bins, and somewhere someone is going to have a little too much sparkling wine and decide that they drink too much until they are invited out the next evening.

It’s been  a great year for The INQUEERY and I have all of you to thank.  There are some exciting things I have planned for next year to take my site to the next level and I hope you enjoy all of it.

Speaking of things to enjoy, I’ve had a lot of fun with a lot of toys this year.  I figured it only right to post my End of Year Top Toy Picks to celebrate my personal favorites in each category.  Enjoy, and have a safe and fun New Year!

xxx

Brandon B.

Best Jerkoff Lube: Maximus

The large size of this thick water-based lube comes in a handy pump style bottle and feels great anywhere!  It’s safe to use with any toys or just bare palm, and even works great for anal toys.  If you want to give this a try, grab a small squeeze bottle for only $7 in The INQUEERY online store. (Note: It’s pictured with the pump, but the pump only comes with the large size).

Best Butt Fucking Lube: System JO Anal

For people like me who swear by silicone lubes, this is still the best one I’ve ever used.  I carry a small bottle of it with me in my bag at all times, just in case.  This long-lasting lube makes anal sex as comfortable and easy as any lube can! Remember with silicone lubes that a little goes a long way!  Try a small bottle for $15, a medium bottle for $22, or grab a large bottle for $40.

Best Cockring: O-Man

It’s amazing how something so small and cheap can be so much fun!  The O-Man is great for anyone who wants vibration combined with both cock and ball constriction.  The material is really stretchy and the batteries are replaceable.  Totally worth the $9 that it costs online!

Best Extra Goodie: Snake Bites

I was really torn which was my favorite extra gadget this year, but I must say I cannot get over my Snake Bites.  These little suckers are cheap, easy to carry around and can make any jerk off or fuck fest just that much hotter.  They range from $5-$10 on Amazon.com.

Best Buttplug: NJOY Pure Plug

If you want a plug that will rest comfortably inside hands-free and is perfectly curved to tease the prostate, look into the NJOY Pure Plugs.  They feel great, will last a life time, and they come in small, medium and large sizes and range from $70-$80 at ThePleasureChest.com.

Best Prostate Massager: Aneros MGX

The cheapest of the ANEROS line is also one of the best, in my opinions.  The MGX is perfect for beginners and advanced users alike and is a great toy for someone looking to go for the coveted hands-free orgasm.  Only $53 in The INQUEERY online store.

Best Dildo: LELO Billy

This high-end vibrating dildo is my new best friend.  LELO named him Billy, but I have renamed him James Franco.  With 5 different pulsation patterns and a range of speeds, this rechargeable dildo makes my anal dreams come true.  The cheapest I have found it is $97 online.

Best Jerkoff Toy: COLT Power Stroker

There are a lot of great feeling expensive sleeves out there, but I have mentioned my COLT Power Stroker more than any other toy on this site so I have to give it props.  It’s inexpensive and feels great, and it’s shaped like a fuckin’ grenade!  I sadly can’t find it online, but if you’re in New York it is available at The Pleasure Chest for 15% off of $20 with The INQUEERY coupon.

Check out MANHUNT Daily for my tips on being a better bottom in 2010!

Tattoo progress!  My artist is Su Houston and she is rad.  She is also the babe responsible for my peacock feathers and the gnome on my ankle.  This is just the outline so don’t tilt your head.  Just thought I’d share so you can see it become the awesome tat that it’s going to be.  Plus I told her I’d pimp her out.

Tattooed boys are hot!  Go get some tats so I can masturbate to you guys!

I admit that it looks like I spend more time out of my underwear than in it.  That shouldn’t imply that I don’t think underwear is sexy.  In fact the first time I ever masturbated was to a certain actor (who I now find embarrassing so I will leave him nameless) in a certain movie where the sex scene began with him pushing up against his co-star in a pair of cute briefs.

Nice underwear to me is like wrapping your goods up as a present.  Like a Christmas present; underwear is the shiny bow-wrapped barrier between you and a butt taco.  When I was a kid my dad used to put my presents in brown paper bags and staple them shut.  Although the gift was nice, you can imagine how I was a little less excited than I should have been to be eyeing a Charlie Brown-esque Christmas tree lined with rows of what appeared to be sacks of dog shit.

The same can be said for underwear.  What kind of gift do you want to give?

I asked my friend Kasey to write up a little blurb on skivvies.  He is a bit of an underwear fanatic and has some great articles for you to invest in.  Bonus points if you buy any of these and send me pictures!

Just kidding just kidding!

(mebrandonb@gmail.com)

Keep reading for a guide to some of the sexy underwear wares on the market today!

There are a wealth of reasons why we, especially in the gay male community, pull out all the stops to look our absolute best. We want to exude health, confidence, and success. While our individual perceptions of what fashions and body types are sexually appealing will greatly vary, it is inarguable that ultimately all of these efforts point to one common, unavoidable, and completely rightful goal: Sex!

I can’t count the number of times I’ve been with someone, in the heat of the moment, the throws of passion, and then when his pants come down I’m face-to-face with Sponge Bob boxers! Or saggy-butted Fruit of the Looms!

Underwear matters! It can make all the difference as to how that pair of jeans makes your ass look. It makes a difference in how you carry yourself as you walk down the street or meander around the bar. And it sure as hell can make a difference in the bedroom.

Aside from all that, underwear shopping is fun! Why deny yourself the joy?

The Brief
This is an indispensable part of your underwear collection. It is form-fitted to hold all of your best assets firmly, but comfortably, in place. I’ve heard many arguments against the tight nature of the brief, but I assure you these contentions hold as much merit as someone claiming to be strangled by wearing a necktie.

2(x)ist is a great company who include a No-Show Brief in their Cotton Essentials collection. This brief is 100% cotton and extremely comfortable, including the ultra-soft, low-rise waistband. Available in a variety of colors and contrasts, it doesn’t get much sexier in both look and feel than 2(x)ist. As added incentive, you can snag these babies for $12.00 or less. You can find these in the Cotton Essential Collection at www.2xist.com.

If the old ads by Mark Wahlberg (or Kermit the Frog) didn’t convince you, I’ll reiterate that Calvin Klein also makes some fantastic skivvies for men. Their recent addition of the Tech Cool Hip Brief is unquestionably a highlight of their current collection. Lightweight cotton (89% cotton, 11% elastane), supremely comfortable, and also available in a myriad of colors. CK should really be an inveterate presence in your life. You can obtain these sexy undergarments at www.cku.com.

Another company I thoroughly endorse for their basic brief is Go Softwear. Although I do agree with most that they possibly should’ve spent more time considering the implications of their brand name. I suggest sticking to their basic low-rise brief (90% cotton, 10% lycra), since many of their other designs walk the line of the ridiculous (and in some cases unabashedly barrel across it). You can find these (and many others) at one of my favorite sites www.FreshPair.com.

If you feel like you want to wear a bit of whimsy over your willy you can also check out one of my all-time favorite underwear manufacturers known as Ginch Gonch. Known as the “brat of the industry” they continually attempt to combine humor and sexuality in all their designs. The fit and feel of their low-rise brief is fantastic. You can check them out at www.ginchgonch.com.

The Boxer Brief (or Trunk)
The brief and the boxer had a lovechild and we all benefit from the conception. Same comfort and form-fitting nature of the brief but with the cut of the boxer. Perfect for the man who wants everything held together snugly but prefers the boxer style.

Once again, 2(x)ist and Calvin Klein are at the top of this list. 2(x)ist’s No-Show Trunk is supremely soft, comfortable, and will assuredly make it difficult for someone to keep their hands off what it so effectively holds. I especially recommend their Contrast colors.

CK also brings us a delicious assortment of low-rise trunks in a veritable rainbow of colors and styles, made from the same comfortable materials as their Tech Cool Hip Brief. CK is truly a classic and you’d be hard-pressed to go wrong where they’re concerned… But you still can go wrong, so just do as I say.

This brings me to a fantastic Australian company known as DT. Their designs are just shy of being pure magic. The boxer briefs they’ve added to their collection this year are phenomenal. Made of 49% cotton, 49% bamboo, and 2% elastane, these treasures are comfortable, fitted, and keep everything situated with near-perfection. Their latest designs of “Colour” and “Ultra Colour” are pieces that I insist you purchase immediately if not sooner. You can find their A-1 undies at www.dtclothes.com.

The Jockstrap
I know many people think of the jockstrap as serving only one purpose in the gay community: “Easy access”. Personally, I’ve yet to see the problem if that were the case. But there are, in fact, more advantages and appeal for this particular piece other than just a quicker segue into anilingus. The jockstrap acts great for ass-lifting, is one of the best bets when it comes to holding your love muscle front and center, and can also be beneficial during the Summer months when you feel like wearing as few layers as possible.

When it comes to the basic jock, I think C-IN2 is a great way to go. Not only does their Sports Street Jock fit superbly but its plush waistband and 100% cotton pouch are outstandingly soft. Available in white and black, you can find this hot little number in the Basics collection at www.c-in2.com. *According to the website, for a limited time you can get this jock in thirteen different colors!

Los Angeles-based designer Andrew Christian also makes some great jocks in my opinion. While he offers quite an array, I am of the opinion that his “Almost Naked” and “Sports Mesh” jockstraps are both cozy and inviting.

So there you have it. I’ve laid out the basics, the cornerstones for your new and improved trove of underpants. You are now intimately equipped with the proper tools, weapons even, to face the world with that final element of sex appeal; the cherry on top of the scrumptious cake that you are.

These are, of course, only a very few options and suggestions. Feel free to check out these great sites to shop and get more ideas:

www.FreshPair.com

www.TopDrawers.com

www.UnderGear.com

The internet has its many beneficial properties.  But what has a generation of young gay men who grew up with the internet become?

I get into “technology: good or bad” debates all the time.  I typically argue for bad, however I understand the obvious benefits of the good.  Technological advances pave the way for a broader reach in the world and allows for news and events to travel as fast as they’re delivered, creating a global instantaneous web of communication and information.

For every culture, the internet literally opened up the world to people.  The lives of every person became a lot less solitary and suddenly you had access to a host of people just like you.  This of course included gay men.

Before the internet dating in the gay world was no easy task.  The term several decades ago wasn’t gay, but rather confirmed bachelor.  Gay sex itself was and still is illegal in many parts of the world, and so announcing you were gay wasn’t usually an option.  So how then did gay men date?  How did they find other gay men without the annomynity of chat rooms and personal ads?  It was no easy task, and you certainly had to earn your kill, so to speak.

But now we live in a world where it isn’t hard to find another gay man, in public or otherwise.  In fact in some parts of the nation you can’t swing a dead cat without clobbering a handful of gays.

I’m going to get nerdy for a second…

In Quantum Physics there is a theory called the Law of Attraction.  This is essentially that thoughts have energy and that by manifesting and directing these thoughts you are able to draw what it is you desire to you.  Negative thoughts on the other hand — or thoughts of not-having what you want — create an undesireable result;  you do not attract and thus cannot direct your energy at a specific source, causing it to build up inside of you.

So here is the proposed situation:  Take a generation of people, repress their desires for a long period of time, and then give them unrestrained access to their desires. What happens?

If you said “BOOM!”, then I tend to agree with you.

At any given time there are hundreds if not thousands of gays online in your area.  These gays are not hard to find; they have been cattle-called and frequent popular cruising sites, message boards and chat rooms.  You log on, you see a cute face, you send them a message and say hello.  As early as that evening you two can be laying horizontal doing the deed.  As fast as it starts it can be over, and you can just go home and log back on to find another cute face.

Although I can’t blame people for acting in this way, it concerns me that the generation of gay men who have grown up only knowing dating through the internet might think that this behaviour is the norm, or as good as it gets.

Of course like all opinion pieces this is a gross generalization, however it is a common enough pattern to make note of.  Has the internet possibly corrupted real dating and real courtship for the younger generation of gay men, or is this just how it has “evolved”?

We have definitely managed to achieve quantity in sex, but have we sacrificed quality?  We are all fucking all the time, but for the most part we aren’t establishing relationships.  And that doesn’t need to mean “serious committed relationships” — and I hate to sound all “back in my day” ish — but back in my day even if it was a one night stand you still had some connection to the guy you just boned.  You acted on chemistry, not private pics.

Underneath the freedom that the internet has provided to the gay community I fear we have lost touch with what it was we were initially seeking in the first place — another human to make contact with.

I wanted to write a wrap-up for the week and reiterate why it was important for me to do this event.

If you were to announce to someone that you were “into BDSM,” they would either be A) way into it or B) freaked out.  It’s the people that get “freaked out” that this was for.  Typically I have found that people are only weirded out by BDSM because they haven’t actually learned about it.  They have heard fantastical stories about people who like the shit kicked out of them and immediately write it off as bizarre.

Everyone is of course entitled to their opinion.  But for someone to use something like BDSM as a weapon to verbally attack or embarrass a person or persons, then I take issue.

Recently David Carradine was in the media after his sad death.  The things I heard in the wake were so upsetting.  People were telling me, of all people, “Wow I bet you have to deal with freaks like that all the time!“

He wasn’t a freak.  And people that are into BDSM aren’t freaks.  Because BDSM isn’t freakish.

The very core of bondage is pleasure. It is about making someone else feel good, making yourself feel good, experimenting and trying new things.  It’s not about breaking people’s legs.  It’s about being happy.  That’s why it bothers me when people talk down about it.  You’re talking down about something that people use to make themselves happy when you have no idea what it even entails.

One of the reasons I started this site in the first place was to encourage people to explore their own personal sexuality in a safe, fun, uninhibited way.  I hope that some or all of the posts from Bondage Week gave you some insight into the possibilities of your sexual practices.

No matter how you choose to have sex remember to play safe and creatively, but most importantly — remember to play.

Keep reading for some information on why dressing up and attitude are important to your role playing and basic core sexual energy.

Dressing up is fun, admit it.  Halloween is one of the best holidays because it’s celebrated with candy and costumes.  Let’s have more of that year round!

When it comes to attire, you can really wear whatever you want.  I wont go into the various costumes out there, but I will say that dressing the part can be an excellent enhancement to heavy or light roleplaying.  If you want to be treated like a naughty school boy, it really doesn’t make sense to be wearing skinny jeans and a v-neck.  Or if you want someone to obey your orders like the drill Sergent you are, you should probably look tough, not in H&M.

I personally enjoy wearing underwear that I really don’t care about and having it ripped off of me.  Not every time obviously, that would get a bit costly.  But every once in a while, dressing in clothes with sex in mind can be fun.  If you don’t want to ruin your precious American Apparel briefs, then cheese it up and buy some edible undies at least.  Give it a try!

So you are dressing the part.  Now you need to keep your attitude in check.

BDSM is a blanket term for SO many things.  Among these things are several forms of dominance, submission, discipline, punishment, sexual roleplaying, and power exchange.  In order to play properly though, you must remember to keep it sane, safe and consentual (SSC).

One step further, it is important to remember that your roles are meant to be complementary.  That doesn’t mean that you have to be the top if you are going to be the dominant one.  It just means that your attitude needs to work with your partners, not against it.  People too commonly fall into attitudes that work against them, like those who suffer from what is known as Dom’s Disease, for instance — which is basically an ego-maniacal dom.  Whether you like it or not, your attitude is going to get you exactly what you deserve.  If you are an asshole, then the compliment to that is typically your partner leaving.