Given your blog and unique perspective on sexual ethic I have a bit of a strange question for you.

My boyfriend and I have been taking things at an absolutely glacial pace. Slow even by the standards of heterosexual born-again christian america. Over the course of the last six weeks we’ve had no penetrative sex whatsoever and only one instance of non-penetrative sexual contact. He has a history of abuse in early adolescence and no real adult relationship experience of substance on his resume so far, so I was more than happy to oblige his requests to wait until he felt ready to trust me in that department.

Yesterday, he confessed to me that he no longer had any desire to have sex of any kind…with me or anyone else. That he had taken on a new sexual identity of sexually-asexual-with-homosexual-attraction-and-relationship-tendencies. Which frankly sucks out loud as far as I’m concerned. Also, I can’t exactly take that seriously as it seems a blatant contradiction in megahyphenated terms.

Ordinarily, I wouldn’t resist kicking his ass to the curb so fast that he wouldn’t realize anything happened until a week and a half later, but he is one of the most emotionally supportive motherfuckers I’ve ever met in my life.

Question: does this situation have any chance at a decent resolution or is this shit completely doomed? Is that self diagnosis as asexual et.al., a step forward or a step back?

Brandon B.:

As I always warn, these are just my opinions. I am not a therapist, just a certified ethical slut.

For starters, your situation isn’t a unique one. A lot of people who date those who have been through some form of sexual abuse that has affected them to a crippling degree have it rough. You’ve made a decision, either consciously or not, to accept certain challenges in your relationship for the sake of being with someone who makes you happy for whatever reason.

I view all good relationships as contracts. Person A brings this to the relationship, Person B brings that, and they accept that they are to expect those things of the other person.

If Person B then modifies the “contract”, Person A has the right to re-negotiate. Now, this can take many forms.

If you think he would be open to you seeking sexual satisfaction with someone else, as it is a need of yours and he should respect that, then you can consider having a semi-open relationship — one where you are free to hook up physically with someone else but not emotionally.

If either you or he isn’t comfortable with that, then you have a situation on your hands that needs to be handled sooner rather than later.

He has made a decision that affects your personal happiness in a relationship. If he isn’t thus willing to make compromises for you to find that happiness elsewhere, then it wouldn’t be fair to you to stay in that relationship. You would become frustrated and irritated with your dynamic, and possibly end up cheating to satisfy it, causing even more problems.

If you are serious about this person then I would offer the opinion (keeping in mind that I am a stranger who doesn’t know you or him at all) that he is definitely in need of therapy. If a physical trauma is affecting him to this day, he is repressing a lot of emotions and they are affecting his life in some deeply negative ways. I don’t know that he is actually asexual, but rather thinks that he is choosing a path that aids him in avoiding confronting his demons. If you guys are close and you care about him enough to do so, you can try to encourage that he attend therapy to deal with his past. Bringing this topic up should be done compassionately and carefully though so as not to hurt his feelings or shame him.

It definitely warrants a conversation vs “kicking his ass to the curb”, especially if you care about him. If he isn’t willing to compromise given the fact that he has changed your relationship in this deeply important way, then maybe his emotional support should come in the form of friendship rather than a relationship.

Woah, there are a lot of different things going on here so I need to touch base on all of them. For starters I will say what I always say, I am not a doctor or anything so don’t take this as medical advice.

For starters, a wag of my finger for not using condoms!  I hate to be the mother hen of the gay world, but in a day and age when HIV and STI (Sexually Transmitted Infections, formerly called STDs) transmission rates are sadly on the rise again, one can never hear the spiel enough.

Secondly, you should never ever ever bleed when having anal sex.  This breaks my heart to hear especially because it is such a common thing that I am told, as if it’s just accepted as how it’s supposed to be.  Bleeding from the anus can mean several different things, sometimes hemorrhoids, but more often than not it means you were penetrated when your body wasn’t relaxed enough to receive said penetration.  Check out my nagging on the topic in a prior Q & A: It Hurts When I Bottom.

Thirdly, if you are experiencing orgasms when bottoming than maybe you’re a prostate guy, in which case there are great prostate massagers called Aneros that you can wear while topping someone else or even jerking off that feel great!

Now onto your question..

I used to date a guy who had no feeling in his penis.  He could get hard but he had zero sensation.  For him this was the result of a botched procedure to remove excess varicose veins from his testicles.  The doctors must have snipped something they shouldn’t have, causing him nerve damage and thus elimination the sensation he felt in his penis.  Like you, he could ejaculate, but that was simply a matter of pressure applied while masturbating, not pleasure.

I’m assuming you haven’t had any procedures such as these, but nerve damage is a possibility.  The penis is a very delicate member, inside and out.  It is possible that at some point you damaged something internally, though the only real way to tell if that is the case is to have a doctor examine you.

Another possibility is if you are uncut and have a tight foreskin, basically making it so the head of your penis is never exposed.  This is called phimosis and is treatable via circumcision.

Assuming none of those are accurate, it could be possible that a lifetime spent having sex or jerking off without sufficient lubrication has caused some local nerve damage.  People have told me many times before that they jerk off without losing lube because they like the sensation of friction.  I hate to say it but friction is the enemy of your dick.

Friction against something as nerve-riddled and delicate as your penis can, over time, decrease sensitivity.  It’s why people who are uncut usually have a much more sensitive glans (head) than someone who is cut.  The foreskin acts as a barrier between the delicate head of your peeny-peen and the outside world.  The outside world for your penis being coarse pubic hair, the texture of your underwear, or if you’re free-ballin’, the texture of your jeans.

Picture someone with smooth skin i.e. me.  This person moisturizes like the girly woman he is and keeps his skin soft and protected from dryness and cracking.  Now imagine this person stopping that process and instead rubbing the same part of his skin with the palm of his hand for 5-10 minutes a day, sometimes multiple times a day, over the course of a few years.  The skin will have gone from silky smooth to dry and rough and possibly even calloused depending on various factors.  Your dick is no different.

If that doesn’t make sense, think of it like an itch.  When your arm itches for instance you scratch it.  Scratching your itch makes the itch go away but in turn it also damages the area of skin slightly, and possibly the nerve endings in the region.  You get the idea of what I’m trying to say, anyway.

I would say that this is reversible if this is the case since I know people with dry skin can improve their skin health through proper moisturizing on a daily basis over time, but don’t quote me on that.  I would suggest using either a silicone lubricant like System JO or a thicker water-based lubricant like Maximus and reapplying at the first sign of it getting dry or sticky.  There are also topical creams that contain L-Argenine such as Liquid V which help stimulate the area of skin it’s applied to.  Stimulating lubricants such as Sliquid Organics Stimulating lube contain menthol which create a tingling sensation as it’s used and can add to the pleasure felt while jerking off or having sex.

Like I said though, if it’s an internal nerve issue you’re going to need to talk to your doctor, and it is never a bad idea to check in with him or her anyway just in case.  Better to be safe than sorry when it comes to man’s real best friend, I always say.

I recently told my partner of several years that I wanted to be monogamous.  Until now we have had an understanding that we are allowed to play with other people, but we have been together for such a long time now and I don’t want to share him anymore.  He told me that he doesn’t want to be monogamous and that we should probably break up.  How can he turn his back on me after all this time?  Should I be as hurt as I am that he wants to fuck other guys besides me after all these years?

First of all let me just say what I usually say when I get asked questions about relationships:  I am not a relationship counselor, I am not a doctor, I am just a guy who masturbates for the world and I write about my experiences.  That being said, I decided to answer this one because it is sex related.

Monogamy is tricky.  Frankly it is the hardest aspect of relationships, in my opinion, and yes I will elaborate.

Human beings are not monogamous by nature.  In fact it is very hard to find any animals that are.  Only 3-5% of mammals are known to form lifelong pair bonds, like beavers, otters, jackals, foxes, some bats and a few dwarf deer and antelopes.  Even in those cases it isn’t unheard of for an animal to have “one night stands” with other animals from time to time.  As males, it’s encoded into their genes to spread the seed and procreate, and being monogamous is not the most efficient way to go about that.

But we are humans.  We are supposed to be more evolved, right?  Well, I guess so.  Humans fight.  Humans are selfish.  Humans lie and think cruel thoughts and murder and even eat other animals.  It’s hard for me as a thinking person to see all of that and then actually believe that it is weird that we can’t be monogamous all the time, as though all that other stuff is normal but wanting to have sex with other people is not.

Well there are a lot of people out there that connect sex to emotion, and hold monogamy in high regard.  These people want one person to hold and love forever and want to be that person to someone else.  There is a host of possibilities as to why some of us want to go against our genetic code, and I wont pretend to know why your reasons are, but you do sound like a sensitive person so I am just going to assume that you are just a sweet guy and a hopeless romantic, not unlike myself (contrary to popular opinion).  But sex and emotion are two different things.  Sex is not love.  Love is not sex.  The two can dance or they can be separate, but they are not the same thing.

Just as you have the right to go against our genetic code, your partner has the right to his wants and desires.  You said you had an understanding that you two were in an open relationship, and thus that is in part what your relationship was founded on.  Relationships can grow over time, but many people enter into open relationships hoping that “things will change” over time, or that over time maybe their partner will “grow to love you and only you.”

The ugly truth is that people do change over time, though not always in the way you’d like.  For instance, he could be looking at you and thinking “Man why did he have to change in this way?”  I’m not attacking you in anyway, I think couples are very cute and it’s actually rather moving to be around two monogamous partners that have chemistry, however I also know that if it’s not working then it’s not working, and this clearly isn’t working for you.

I know it hurts, and it is a bummer anytime you lay your heart on the line and take a chance, but if you aren’t happy in a situation and you’re told that things wont change, then you have one of two choices to make;  either comply and stay in a relationship where you are being hurt by your partner’s actions, or love your relationship for what it was and move on to another situation that will probably yield more happiness and greater satisfaction (hint: I am guessing it’s the latter).

Don’t let me, a total stranger, advise you what to do in this matter though.  This is a very personal decision that you and only you can make.  My only advice would be this — don’t resent him.  You obviously care about him, and he obviously cares about you otherwise he wouldn’t have been so forthright from the beginning and have stayed with you all this time.  Things just changed and you now want something else.  There’s nothing wrong with that, and there is no bad guy.

In my opinion, that is.  But what do I know, my last boyfriend was a Cyberskin vagina.

B,

I am uncut and I love to bottom, but I have tried to top a few times in the past but it hurt like hell!  I read your piece about being versatile but I don’t get how I am able to top somebody if it’s going to just end up hurting me.  Is there anything I can do to numb the pain?  Or is there maybe something wrong with me?

Ahh you lucky bastard.  I wish so bad that my parents never had me circumcised.  Not only are uncut cocks hot, they are extra sensitive — which is the problem you are most likely encountering.  But before I get into the details of that, I will suggest the first logical suggestion;  go to a doctor and make sure you are healthy and not possibly suffering from an infection or something.

And for those of you who think uncut is gross, you really need to get over that.  An uncut dick is an excellent source of pleasure for the party involved and can lead the way to some hot sessions in bed.

Ok, now that that’s out of the way, there is no sure fire way to answer this, because it can be a series of several of events, one in particular, or possibly a combination of several.

Foreskin is meant to protect the head of the penis from excessive contact and chafing.  It protects this sensitive part of the male anatomy which would, without the foreskin, become more and more desensitized over time.  The foreskin acts as a barrier between the sensitive head of the penis and outside influences such as your underwear which over time would decrease the amount of sensation that it is capable of feeling.

So now that we are aware that the head of your penis is more senstive than that of individuals such as myself, we need to discuss the various things to keep in mind when you are trying to fuck somebody.

Lube

The right lube is uber imperitive.  Water bases are great for some people, but water based lubes tend to dry up or get tacky as you use them.  This tacky, sticky feeling would thus lend itself to some uncomfortable topping, since the stickiness of the lube would end up creating an abrasive sensation against the head of your penis.  I always tell people about my favorite lube for anal sex, but there are lots of other silicone based lubricants out there that would eliminate this being a factor.  There are over 200 grades of silicone lubricant on the market and they all have different textures, viscosities and prices, so try a few small sized ones out and see which one you prefer.  Everybodies body is different and will be happy with different things.

Latex Allergies

A lot of people are actually allergic to latex, which as most people know is what a majority of condoms are made of.  A latex allergy can make someone feel a burning or uncomfortable itching/stinging sensation, and it’s possible that you might be suffering from this assuming you used a condom (I certainly hope you did!).  There are some non-latex condoms that you can give a try if you feel this is the case.  Avanti makes some polyurethane condoms that are decent, and Lifestyles makes one called Skyn that I think are actually pretty nice.

Relaxing the Booty

I’m a huge advocate for forplay when it comes to anal, especially because of the pain it can cause the recipient without it.  I dicussed methods for anal forplay here, and it is possible that you aren’t loosening your partner enough before attempting to penetrate him.  A tighter hole means a tighter fit around your dick, which means a tighter squeeze on what is the most sensitive part of your anatomy.  Give that article a read and make sure you aren’t rushing the gun on the whole situation.

Nerves of Butter

I know this might sound a little farfetched but it’s really not.  Nerves can severely affect ones pleasure and satisfaction when it comes to anything sexually related.  In this case, being nervous about topping a partner can affect your general satisfaction of the experience for whatever reason — you’re so used to being a bottom you’re afraid you might not be “good” at topping, you’re anticipating the pain that you experienced before, or maybe your dynamic and chemistry with this person isn’t really making you feel like the top in the party, etc.  Relax, chill out, if you’re nervous about your performance then don’t force it.  Being nervous about an experience can kill your buzz, so to speak, and make your more sensitive in all the wrong ways.

T.T.D.R. (Treat That Dick Right)

A lot of people don’t know how to treat an uncut penis.  Especially if they themselves are circumcised.  There are several words I could say that would probably make you cringe;  facial hair, teeth, fast-jerking motions, etc.  If your partner is doing something that is making you feel uncomfortable down there and possibly adding to the pain you might be feeling, it is your responsibility to communicate that.  It doesn’t have to be a confrontation at all, a simple “That actually hurts a little, can you try doing this instead?” will do the job nicely.  Most people will be able to adapt perfectly, and those that can’t need to get out of your bedroom because they aren’t capable of dealing with someone who is as sensitive as you are.

Tight Foreskin

There are a lot of people who actually have a really tight foreskin.  A lot of foreskin pulls itself back over the head of the penis as you become erect, but some is so tight that it only slides back slightly.  This can lend itself to some painful encounters in several ways.  If this happens to be your dilemma, you can do one of two things.  You can opt to get circumcised (nooo!) or you can just accept that you enjoy bottoming and topping isn’t something that your body was built for in this way.  It’s not a bad thing, and it does happen, and honestly if you really enjoy being on the receiving end of the arrangement there is nothing wrong with letting that be your default at all, especially if it would cause you pain to force it otherwise.

I hope you can make it work though, because the guys out there with foreskin who prefer topping can atest to how amazing it feels, and I would certainly want you to enjoy that if it’s possible!  Just remember to think before cramming your most valuable jewel into a hole and you should be golden.

“Dear Brandon,
I have a pretty large penis, but I’ve noticed I’m a grower, not a shower. How you do feel about stretching tools? Should I just be happy that I’m big when I’m hard?”

I have a friend who is a screen writer back home in Hollywood. During the course of our friendship he has taught me a lot of things about writing. One of those tips that I really enjoyed was “If you’re going to show a gun, you have to use it.” This means that if you reveal a character in a show has a gun, at some point the gun needs to be used as a weapon. It’s what the audience expects to happen once they see the reveal of the gun initially, and if you don’t use it as a weapon then they feel cheated and it ends up working against the fluid nature of your story telling. Anyway, this was the best way to ask for a picture of this alleged “large penis” because now I am assuming you’re all talk.

I’m kidding of course, and all joking aside this question touches on several issues for me. For starters, I am a big fan of being happy with yourself physically no matter what your situation is. Sure you can exercise more if you aren’t happy with your physique, but ultimately the first step to being sexy in my book is believing that you are sexy. Confidence is so important to having a healthy, satisfying sex life and if you are letting small gripes like body issues get in your way then you are essentially blocking your own happiness.

Now on to penises.

There are a lot of methods out there that claim to enlarge your penis. The method you’re referring to was actually recently the topic of a small pilot study released by Italian researchers that concluded penis extender devices should be regarded as an effective treatment option to enlongate the penis.

Two thirds of your penis is made up of muscle structures known as corpus canvernosum. These are essentially the smooth muscles and soft tissues that fill with blood when you are becoming erect. Stretcher devices and other penis enlargement methods aim to increase the size of the corpus canvernosum by literally stretching it out so that it can fill with more blood and thus, in theory, grant larger erections.

My issue with stretching is that it doesn’t always work, and can actually have some permanent negative effects. For starters, there is a risk of bursting blood vessels, especially if you are Jelqing (methodically tugging on the penis to stretch the corpus canvernosum). This can lead to bleeding from the urethra which can lead to infection and other complications if not taken care of. You also run the risk of possibly causing temporary or even permanent erectile dysfunction.

By stretching the corpus canvernosum you do indeed elongate the mass of your penis, but with risks like that how can anyone say it’s a great idea? I know I have painted an ominous picture here, but I always err on the side of caution when it comes to body modification. When it comes to doing procedures like this on your own with little to no guidance outside of an instruction booklet (because let’s face it, who is going to ask their friends “So have any of you ever used a penis stretcher? What’s the safest way to use it?”), the chances of you fucking it up over succeeding are high.

My advice to you: Keep your peen just the way it is, and let the growing be a pleasant surprise to whoever is the lucky recipient.

And send me a picture.

Have a question? Send it to mebrandonb@gmail.com and it may get published here!

Holy crap I hate to hear things like this, and I am sad to say I hear this a lot. I will say this and I hope it is loud and clear: Anal sex should NEVER hurt. Never ever! If it hurts then you are doing it wrong!

For starters I hope you are using lube. The anus does not lubricate itself (even though sometimes it feels like it might) and thus requires you to provide it with adequate lubricant. I’ve mentioned my favorite here at the INQUEERY, but anything is better than nothing! Silicone tends to work best in this situation because it doesn’t dry up or absorb into your pores like water bases can and thus will stay slick a lot longer.

Secondly, you need to understand the mechanics of the ass hole itself. There are two muscles that you need to concern yourself with; the external anal sphincter muscle (your chocolate starfish itself) and the internal anal sphincter muscle (just inside the hole). These muscles need to be relaxed severely before you even consider being penetrated or penetrating someone else. Something that I try to tell everyone: Anal sex is 90% foreplay. Rubbing the outside of the asshole with lube as though you are massaging it, rimming, gradually fingering, using small butt plugs — all of these things help relax the muscle into a looser and thus easier to penetrate state of being. You don’t have to do all of these things obviously, but you should do at least one of these things until your body is prepared to handle something larger than a pointer finger. Your ass is a delicate thing and you should treat it as such! I came across a quote once that sums it up well: If you ain’t lickin’ it, you ain’t stickin’ it!

Thirdly, yes numbing creams do exist however I never ever suggest people use them. If you are feeling pain, that’s because your body is trying to tell you that damage is being done to it. If you numb that pain, sure you wont feel it but the damage is still being done. That “sharp pain” and “tearing” sensation you are feeling is just that. The skin within the anus is very very thin and highly prone to tearing and even heavy bleeding if damaged. If you really want to prepare in some way, try taking a warm bath to relax your muscles.

As someone who prefers to bottom you should make it a habit to be vocal about when you are ready to receive another person and when you are not. The men doing the topping aren’t butt-psychics. It’s ok to say you need to relax some more. And if any of you toppers out there are reading this, you should keep this in mind the next time you are with someone. You will be held in a much higher regard if you can listen to your partner’s sexual needs and fuck him without causing him pain.

There isn’t any rush, enjoy the foreplay! And if someone doesn’t feel like taking the time to make sure you aren’t going to be in pain then it’s time to find a new man. Just because you’re getting fucked doesn’t mean you should be getting screwed!

Have a question? Send it to mebrandonb@gmail.com and it may get published here!