“My boyfriend has a history of sexual abuse and now tells me he never wants to have sex…”
Given your blog and unique perspective on sexual ethic I have a bit of a strange question for you.
My boyfriend and I have been taking things at an absolutely glacial pace. Slow even by the standards of heterosexual born-again christian america. Over the course of the last six weeks we’ve had no penetrative sex whatsoever and only one instance of non-penetrative sexual contact. He has a history of abuse in early adolescence and no real adult relationship experience of substance on his resume so far, so I was more than happy to oblige his requests to wait until he felt ready to trust me in that department.
Yesterday, he confessed to me that he no longer had any desire to have sex of any kind…with me or anyone else. That he had taken on a new sexual identity of sexually-asexual-with-homosexual-attraction-and-relationship-tendencies. Which frankly sucks out loud as far as I’m concerned. Also, I can’t exactly take that seriously as it seems a blatant contradiction in megahyphenated terms.
Ordinarily, I wouldn’t resist kicking his ass to the curb so fast that he wouldn’t realize anything happened until a week and a half later, but he is one of the most emotionally supportive motherfuckers I’ve ever met in my life.
Question: does this situation have any chance at a decent resolution or is this shit completely doomed? Is that self diagnosis as asexual et.al., a step forward or a step back?
Brandon B.:
As I always warn, these are just my opinions. I am not a therapist, just a certified ethical slut.
For starters, your situation isn’t a unique one. A lot of people who date those who have been through some form of sexual abuse that has affected them to a crippling degree have it rough. You’ve made a decision, either consciously or not, to accept certain challenges in your relationship for the sake of being with someone who makes you happy for whatever reason.
I view all good relationships as contracts. Person A brings this to the relationship, Person B brings that, and they accept that they are to expect those things of the other person.
If Person B then modifies the “contract”, Person A has the right to re-negotiate. Now, this can take many forms.
If you think he would be open to you seeking sexual satisfaction with someone else, as it is a need of yours and he should respect that, then you can consider having a semi-open relationship — one where you are free to hook up physically with someone else but not emotionally.
If either you or he isn’t comfortable with that, then you have a situation on your hands that needs to be handled sooner rather than later.
He has made a decision that affects your personal happiness in a relationship. If he isn’t thus willing to make compromises for you to find that happiness elsewhere, then it wouldn’t be fair to you to stay in that relationship. You would become frustrated and irritated with your dynamic, and possibly end up cheating to satisfy it, causing even more problems.
If you are serious about this person then I would offer the opinion (keeping in mind that I am a stranger who doesn’t know you or him at all) that he is definitely in need of therapy. If a physical trauma is affecting him to this day, he is repressing a lot of emotions and they are affecting his life in some deeply negative ways. I don’t know that he is actually asexual, but rather thinks that he is choosing a path that aids him in avoiding confronting his demons. If you guys are close and you care about him enough to do so, you can try to encourage that he attend therapy to deal with his past. Bringing this topic up should be done compassionately and carefully though so as not to hurt his feelings or shame him.
It definitely warrants a conversation vs “kicking his ass to the curb”, especially if you care about him. If he isn’t willing to compromise given the fact that he has changed your relationship in this deeply important way, then maybe his emotional support should come in the form of friendship rather than a relationship.
