I had a date the other night after I had spent the day cleaning my apartment. I had collected my various bottles of lube from around my studio and put them all in one place next to my bed. I don’t really have a home for them all and I can’t bring myself to throw them away, and till now they have been just hanging out where ever, but I decided that might not be the cutest visual on earth. So this guy comes over and points out “Wow you have a lot of lube” and he knows what I do and everything but still I think he was a little freaked out by the gathering. Like I was going to season him with all of the various lubricants and then FEAST. Well I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, you can never have or use enough lube! Lube is great, and that’s why I am always happy to try new ones. Some sweet fella over at TRIGG Laboratories contacted me and asked if I’d be interested in testing a few of their products. I said sure, and one of the first ones that caught my eye was the Wet Pheromone lube. I wont lie — I just like the colors of the bottle…
For starters let me just comment on the idea of putting “pheromones” in a lube. If you get to the point where they are smelling your lube, I think it’s safe to say that you have successfully seduced your prey date.
Let me bore you and talk about what pheromones are for a minute. There are a lot of different types of pheromones in the animal kingdom, some good some bad. In the sex industry they tend to get advertised in the “good” way, though it hasn’t been proven that humans can even detect pheromones! Pheromones are detected by the vomeronasal organ, and while humans possess something similar to this organ there is no actual function to it. We can detect the smells that pheromones produce, but we lack the sensory cells to detect it as anything other than a smell. In the case of the attractant pheromone, we are talking about Androstenone, which is produced by sweat and urine. Sounds scrumptious…
So basically this lube has sweat and urine in it.
Just kidding! The ingredients list that it merely contains “pheromones”, so who knows what is actually in it.
I will tell you something that is in it that I hate — “fragrance”. UGH dear God, fragrance. That always means one thing and one thing only — it’s going to smell floral. And I was right!
Using this lube is like fucking your grandmother’s armpit. The smell of perfume that comes from this lube could only be deemed a pheromone by the wealthiest of Upper East Side 90-year-old women. They have a club, I’m certain, where they all wear fur and talk about how they smear this lube on their money right before they rub it all over their wrinkled decaying bodies.
Beyond that, the lube contains glycerine, which I have always found to make lube dry up faster, and sure enough I found myself having to re-apply more than once to get the job done. But the smell! God the SMELL. Have you ever smelled the inside of a My Little Pony? They made it into a lube.
Side track, true story — I said that above line to my co-worker regarding this lube:
Him: “How do you know what the inside of a My Little Pony smells like?!”
Me: “…..GO WINDEX SOMETHING.”
Maybe for older ladies, but definitely not for gays. Unless you like flowers, then hey! Give it a shot. However be warned — this lube made my dick angry at me and it didn’t talk to me for an hour after. Luckily I was able to entice it with the 400 other lubes that I had gathered on my nightstand. You know I love you baby…
Wet Pheromone provided by TRIGG Laboratories.
