the INQUEERY

An article was posted by the New York Times yesterday discussing open relationships.  The article revealed that a soon to be released study showed that 50% of gay couples polled were in happy open relationships.

The negative backlash to the topic of open relationships is something that practitioners and polygamists are familiar with.  It’s an argument that will often times draw anger from those that oppose open relationships, or at best elicit responses such as “I could never do it, but to each his own.”

The following is a brief example of why open relationships work for many, my responses to the various common arguments against responsible non-monogamy,  as well as a short beginners guide on how to develop an open relationship with your partner if that is the path that you choose.

What is an Open Relationship?

An Open Relationship is when two or more partners have strong feelings for each other but permit bonds with other individuals outside of the immediate relationship. These bonds can include emotional, spiritual, and/or sexual. Each Open Relationship is different, depending on which set of people you encounter.  What goes for one couple may not necessarily fly with another.

How can a Sexual Open Relationship work?

How can any relationship work?  Through communication, boundaries, trust, respect and love, any form of relationship will experience success between two practicing partners.

If you love someone then why can’t you be monogamous?

This is a very common statement (not a question, because at it’s root it is very accusatory), and unfortunately some people just aren’t programmed to understand the answer to it, because they have been programmed to understand what a “real” relationship is like.  Sex is not love.  Love is not sex. Sex can be an expression of love, however it can also purely be an experience, much in the way that masturbation can.  Believe it or not, there are actually many people that don’t even like to know that their partners masturbate!  They feel bad, or they feel that it means that they aren’t satisfying their partners sexually, which isn’t the case at all usually.  Some people don’t feel the need to masturbate ever, and some people masturbate several times a day.  The problem here isn’t in the partner who is gratifying himself by making himself ejaculate and orgasm, it’s in the partner who feels that they for some reason need to be there for it.

Oh come on, jerking off isn’t the same as sleeping with another person!

You’re right, it’s not.  That’s why people think it’s awesome news to announce “I got laid!” and not awesome news to announce “I came so hard jerking off the other day!“  The point that I am trying to make by comparing the two is to demonstrate the emotional attachment that people often relate towards their partners sexual self in relation to their direct relationship.  Cumming with (or on!) someone or something does not mean you love them or it, it just means you’re cumming, and it should have no impact on what your relationship means to each other so long as it occurs within a set of partners personal boundaries and trust.

I believe that part of a relationship should be about controlling the urge to sleep with other people.

This statement ties into ignorance of what a healthy open relationship actual is.  People assume that individuals in healthy open relationships just fuck whoever they want when ever they want and then at some point go home to their mate.  That isn’t the case.  Healthy Open Relationships operate the same way that any other healthy relationship does, which brings us to boundaries.

Creating Boundaries for an Open Relationship

Any relationship that is going to work requires a set of rules that are used as tools to help build an established set of “the way things are going to be.”  Without this set of rules or boundaries as I like to call them (“rules” makes it sound like this person is your personal property, and he is not), you leave a lot open to a chaos factor of events that may occur that could cause hurt feelings, jealousy, anger or even depression.  A relationship is about being with someone you care about, not about hurting/being hurt by them.  If you don’t set your boundaries then you leave yourself open to chance, and chance loves to fuck up everything.

Communication

My favorite word.  Seriously, nothing makes me happier than communication.  Communication is expressing concerns, desires, ideas, or anything that is on ones mind.  It’s also about asking for information from someone else, not just talking about how you think and feel.  Maintaining a strong dialogue with your partner will go a long way.  You aren’t a mind reader and neither is he — and all of us that wish people would just come along and do everything the right way without having to ask are going to be waiting a long time.

When communicating with your partner about your open relationship, it’s important to be honest and open.  This is someone you care about, after all.  If you don’t feel comfortable telling them things because you are afraid, ashamed or embarrassed, then you have bigger problems at hand.  The term “partner” is key to keep in mind here.  This is someone you care about that you are supposed to be able to work with, and if you can’t express yourself or they wont express themselves, then there is something cracking your foundation that needs to be addressed before you can go any farther.  I don’t like making blanket statements, but my exception to the rule is this: Any relationship without communication is not healthy.

An excellent tool that you can do at home with your partner is called a Yes/No/Maybe list.  A Yes/No/Maybe list is literally a list that you make of all of the things that you are interested in, all of the things that you are not interested in, and all of the things that you might be interested in.  Sit down with your partner — NOT in your bedroom, as this is a personal space and should not carry any work stress nor any negative energy of any type — and each of you draw three columns on a sheet of paper, labeling each column with a Yes, No or Maybe.  Then fill yours in while they do the same.  The things you put into this list can be sexual ideas for yourself, situations that your open relationship may encounter (i.e. I do not feel comfortable with you sleeping with someone in our bed, so I put ‘our bed’ in the No column), or anything else that crosses your mind.  When you are both done take turns reading one notation out loud to each other and discussing it.  This might look something like this:

Brandon B: So in my ‘Yes’ column I put ‘anal sex’.

Michael Cera: You know, I really don’t think I am ready for you to be having anal sex with other people right now…

BB: Is that something that you are firmly against?

MC: Well, I think it’s just kinda a lot to handle right away.

BB: Well maybe we can move that to the Maybe column and discuss it in the future once we get the hang of this?

MC: Yeah, ok I would be willing to revisit this once I feel more comfortable with how this develops.

There!  You now both know exactly where you stand on the issue.  Brandon is interested in having anal sex with someone else, whereas Michael Cera does not want to share him in that way just yet, but Michael is now aware that it’s something Brandon is interested in and will keep that in mind for future discussions.

A few things that I personally think are important to include on the first pass of these lists are as follows:

Kissing on the mouth

Anal sex

Oral Sex

In our bed

Spending the night at their place

Public dates

Meeting the person first

Disclosure of details

Once you get the conversation going you will be surprised how many more things are revealed, and the sharing of information will only strengthen your trust and bond with your partner.

Execution

So you know what you are allowed to do and what you aren’t allowed to do.  Now it’s time for your first encounter.  Depending on what you and your partner have detailed in your Yes/No/Maybe lists, you may need to introduce the person to your mate first for their approval.  If you have agreed that sex with strangers is ok, this obviously isn’t necessary, but it is still important to communicate that it is going to take place and to touch base with your partner on how they are feeling about it.  If they are not feeling so hot about it, abort the date and talk with your partner.  Your relationship is more important than this encounter, and you clearly have more work to do before you can begin your open relationship.

Let’s say that they are fine with it though.  Great!  Now it’s time to keep your found sex partner in the loop.  It’s important to tell this person your situation with your partner and express to them what your intentions are.  Failing to do so may lead to a person feeling led on and can cause some hurt feelings, and while you don’t plan to have a relationship with this new person you certainly do not want to be disrespectful to them.  They are a person too after all and you need to respect them as such.

Follow Up

After your encounter it is a good idea to touch base with your partner again.  This doesn’t have to be the day of if you didn’t specifically agree on disclosure of details immediately, however you do not want to keep it to yourself for a long period of time if disclosure was an important point for your partner.  Explain what happened keeping in mind the terms of your relationship and discuss where you’re at.  If your partner has concerns, address them.  Don’t ever make your partner feel bad for how they feel.  We all have feelings outside our control, and your part in this relationship is to be understanding and to help prevent any situations that might result in your partner not feeling okay with what happened to happen ever again.  If you find yourself in this situation, evaluate what happened with yourself and try to see if you abandoned a rule or two.  Apologize if you did, and do not do it again! You should always have your partners feelings in mind!  If need be, do a new Yes/No/Maybe list.  It should never seem tedious to know how your partner is feeling and what they are thinking.

Like I said, this is a very bare bones beginners guide to open relationships.  There are a lot of concerns such as safety, long-term impact, short-term impact, and more that wasn’t covered here.  If you have any specific questions or comments, please feel free to post them below.

Keep in mind that healthy open relationships are not for everyone.  Monogamy works for a lot of people and they are very satisfied with it, but for some people monogamy causes more problems than it solves.  My hope after reading this is that you will keep all of this in mind when thinking about someone else’s relationship, even if it’s not something you necessarily practice.  Love is love, and it takes many forms.  It is our job as a community to live our own lives and support our friends and loved ones, not limit them through judgment because of our own personal feelings on how things are supposed to be.  People are supposed to be happy, and relationships are supposed to be nurturing and great.