Totally fine for dogs.
Maybe I am a germ freak and maybe I am ok with that. Nothing says you’re living the good life like Purelling your hands every five minutes like a maniac. I typically look at people the same way that kid in The Sixth Sense does, more often than not because I see people do insane shit everyday and that leads me to believe that they are, thus, insane. Not outright insane, but rather…oh how do I explain this. “Exhibiting behavioral trends”? “Practicing problem indicators”? I’m sure there is an official term for the nonsense I encounter. Here are my top 5 customer interactions that freak me out and will ultimately result in me giving up on mankind and getting the hell out of Dodge (“Dodge” in this case being “the planet Earth”) . I’ll let you decide if I am the crazy one here or if these people are indeed psychotic.
5. The Person That Opens Merchandise
Ok, so you are comfortable enough to come into a sex toy store. That’s great! Ok, so you are fine with everyone seeing which section of the store most interests you. Power to you! But the moment you think that it is ok to open a packaged sex toy so you can squeeze and rub it, I put you on my freak list. What kind of person would think that it would be ok to touch something with their subway-hands that they may not end up buying and thus will end up in someone else’s body? This is how germs and infections are evolving into crazy incurable shit. People keep touching shit to shit that shouldn’t ever meet.
Projected Future: Tragic end met by electric fence or third rail.
4. The Person That Playfully Uses Demo Toys on Private Parts
I remember growing up and hearing people say “Were you raised in a BARN!?” and never really getting it. It’s tomfoolery like using demo toys on your crotch that made me understand exactly what that term meant. I know you think it’s funny to stick the Hitachi Magic Wand on your dick in front of your friends because you aren’t clever enough to think of actual funny things, but to everyone else who doesn’t know you you’re just being a creep.
Projected Future: Pedophile clown
3. The Person That Doesn’t Want to Be Seen in a Sex Toy Store So They Stand Outside and Stare in the Window
Great job at not being creepy. Standing outside of a sex toy store and peering in the window, ducking and tilting your head in different ways to see the merchandise behind the signage blocking your view, is TOTALLY fooling everyone into thinking you don’t want to go in. Whenever I see someone doing this I wonder if they realize that they are acting like a crazy person. Just come in to the store and have your social catharsis and be done with it.
Projected Future: Serial dine-and-dasher
2. The Person That Wants to Return Used Merchandise
Nothing makes me shake in my boots like the image of someone walking in to the store with an item wrapped in a newspaper. There is no amount of coaxing or therapy that can heal these memories. “But I washed it” is a trigger word, sending me into a mental spiral of WTFs. It sometimes makes me think that I should start a sex toy rental store (Cockbuster! Anyone? Anyone??), because there are obviously people out there that think it is totally ok to use a vibrator and then bring it back to trade in for something else.
Projected Future: Creature that wakes you up during a nightmare
1. The Person That Puts Demo Toys on a Friend’s Face
I need to start having my first dates at sex toy stores, because there is a lot that can happen in one that are ultimate deal breakers. For me, taking a dildo off of a public counter and then putting it on your friend’s face, mouth, ear, ANYTHING is grounds for extermination. You are committing an act of treason against germ-fearing humanity. All I can think about when someone does this is that article that said 1 in 10 New Yorkers has the Swine Flu. If you poke my face with a dildo because you think it’s hysterical and I get N1H1 from said cock, FRIENDSHIP OVER.
Projected Future: The person whose dog keeps running away
Okay, so the photo of the dog is hysterical.
But while reading the article, I realized my lip was curled with each example. Apparently I’m not over my own encounters with these same barnacles of society.
I rule in favor of the defendant.