As a gay man butt sex is almost seen as mandatory in a sexual relationship. Blowjobs are really just a polite way of shaking hands before the act of sodomy begins. However, we are never really told how to have butt sex. We watch porn and see pictures, but beyond that learning how to have sex becomes a trial and error process — a process that we cannot afford in this day and age wrought with Sexually Transmitted Infections (STI).
You have your condom and you have your lube. Now what do you do?
The following guide is for anyone interested in having anal sex. Beginners, veterans and whores alike, tops and bottoms, there is something for everyone here!
Know Thy ‘Gina
..As in ‘mangina’.
(I love that term because it makes people feel uncomfortable. I’ll try to keep the creep-factor to a minimum from here on out).
Before we get started we need to understand our butts. ANATOMY LESSON:
This is the male rectum. Not a pretty image, true, but there is some important information I need to point out about your anatomy before we begin.
I am a huge believer in the industry rule that anal sex is 90% foreplay. What does this mean?
In the illustration above you will see two key players labeled. Firstly there is the internal sphincter muscle. This muscle is positioned facing the front of your body. Secondly there are three muscles labeled as the deep, superficial and subcutaneous which make up the external sphincter muscle group, positioned facing your back side.
These are the muscles that essentially make up what is popularly known as your butthole, and are responsible for keeping doody from falling out of you till you find a toilet.
Relaxing these muscles is of the utmost importance. They are very tight and if forced open can be very painful to a person. Outside of medical conditions, painful anal encounters are the children of the sphincter muscles not being relaxed properly.
Zooming out a little bit we can get a birds-eye view of what we’re dealing with in relation to location. As you can see your rectum is actually rather roomy! People who are into fisting aren’t abusing their bodies beyond the physical limitations of man, they are just relaxing the sphincter muscle group significantly enough. I’m not saying you should all go out and start sitting on fists around the village, but this should give you a better idea of how important it is to make sure those muscles are relaxed and how comfortable and rad anal sex can be once they are.
You will find that every step of anal sex, from preparation to penetration, heavily relies on your sphincter muscles being happy.
Preparing for Foreplay
Most of the questions I am asked about anal sex that don’t specifically deal with pain issues relate to cleanliness issues. People feel scared that they are going to have an embarrassing accident that will cripple them for life and send their partner running for the hills (or away from them, in this instance). My response is also one of my favorite puns in this situation: Shit happens. But it can happen a lot less if you just take the time to groom yourself like the good like upright ape you are!
I’m not really going to go into body hair in this guide because it’s an optional factor. Some guys prefer a hairless ass, some prefer lots of hair, some people like a nice happy medium. It’s up to you what you want to do with your body, but I do encourage you to experiment and see what makes you feel the most comfortable and sexy.
I will however talking about douching.
To Douche or Not to Douche?
A douche is a device that introduces a stream of water up into your ass for hygienic purposes. There are various types of douches on the market that range from over the counter Fleet enemas to hand-held suction bulbs and even some that attach to your shower head. These vary in stream strength and intensity, the ones attaching to your shower head being the most powerful (and for a lot of people too powerful, to be frank).
Douching is a great way to deep clean your ass before sex, however it poses some potential health risks if not done right. For starters, your rectum is line with bacteria which help digest food. These bacteria are safe within your rectum, but if you tear the delicate membrane lining the anus you run the risk of this bacteria entering the bloodstream and causing an infection or illness. Damaging the membrane can also increase your risk of becoming infected with HIV, herpes, and other nasty bugs.
If you feel you want to douche there are a few safety precautions I’d like to note.
- Fill your douche with water only. Soaps and other chemicals are not always suitable for the anus.
- Relax your sphincter muscles before douching! Yes the nozzle is often thin but that doesn’t mean that it’s a breeze to just cram up there.
- Use lube to get the nozzle in and be gentle. Never force anything up your butt.
- Don’t over douche! Douching or using enemas more than once a week can upset the chemical balance of your body in a slew of ways.
Like all things to do with the butt, easy does it.
Relaxing the Hole
Now that we are feeling sexy and know what’s up, it’s time to relax ourselves and get ready for penetration. There are a host of techniques that you can do on your own or with your partner that can help make this process easy and even pleasurable.
Buttplugs
Buttplugs are a great way to loosen yourself up for the main event. There are a lot of different types on the market, but I recommend only using high-quality silicone, high-grade plastic or stainless steel plugs. Other materials tend to be porous and can harbor bacteria, and can even contain nasty chemicals which then transfer into your beautiful body.
Leaving butt plugs inserted while you focus on making out, giving head or other activities is a great way to let the ass become accustomed to the act. Allowing a partner to plug-fuck you is a great warm up for your anus as well.
Fingers
If you have a finger, you have an excellent tool in the war against tightness-terror! You can finger yourself or have your partner finger you gently to help loosen up that kaboose. For ultimate risk-aware practice, a latex glove should be worn over the hand doing the fingering. If not a glove than at least a condom. The finger contains fingernails which, even if neatly trimmed, can cause tearing to the rectal membrane.
Start out with one finger, usually the pointer finger, and then work up to two. Using just the thumb can also be a lot of fun if you have a partner that wants to help. Have him get behind you and stick his thumb inside. Rotating, rubbing and gently squeezing the ass hole feels amazing, especially if you happen to find the prostate gland in the process. Yum!
Anilingus
Anyone remember “Girl Talk”? There is an excellent line from this song, delivered by the philosophers in the group TLC: “You’ve gotta lick it before you stick it!”
Probably one of the most relaxing and intimate forms of relaxing the anus, anilingus or “rimming” can be deeply pleasurable to both parties. The wet, warm licking and thrusting of the Tongue (I capitalize it because it, in this instance, makes people want to worship it) is a great way to not only relax the sphincter muscles but also keep the energy hot without having to stop to grab some toys. Using some organic or lightly flavored organic lube can make it easier for Sir Tongue to get the job done right, and he can even invite his friend Lord Finger to play along! (Sorry, sometimes I get carried away) Flavored dental dams are also a great way to keep the rimming safer and fun.
Penetration Station
Now that you’re loose enough to birth small dinosaurs it’s time to get down to it. SEX TIME. Which position you choose can either work for or against you as you set out to penetrate/be penetrated. I’ll cover some of the more basic ones here with the pros and cons of each.
Before I begin I want to toss out my usual safer sex monologue. There is no such thing as safe sex. New York state has the highest STI/HIV transmission rates in the nation. Please be aware of the risks out there, play responsibly, use a condom, and get tested. Some information on my favorite condom as well as some instructions on how to apply a condom can be found in my review of Crown.
Now on to the fuckery! For lube I suggest System JO Anal. If you don’t like silicone-based lubes, give Maximus a try. I highly suggest trying to get used to System JO Anal though, because it’s the best! It should also be noted that water bases, while good for oral and jerking off, are not ideal for anal because they dry up and get sticky, and this can lead to condom tears.
Onto the positions! In an attempt to keep this site somewhat decent, I shall be using Yaoi as examples! Some of them are kinda hot actually…
What??
Missionary
In this position the top has most of the control. If you are an anxious bottom you probably don’t want to start out here. I mean, it’s not a difficult position by any measure of the word (it is called missionary, after all), but for those that want a little more control over the initial penetration you may want to save this. Plus I don’t know about you but I always get sleepy on my back.
If this is a position that you want to go with, I always suggest getting a leg up on the situation — literally. Rest your right leg on the corresponding shoulder of your partner and you’ll find that you have a little more control over what’s going on down there.
Squatter
In this position the bottom has the most control over penetration. The top lays on his back with his knees bent at a slight angle (if the topfails to bend his knees it can make things a bit uncomfortable for him, especially if he is rock hard). The bottom then lowers himself and eases his partner’s penis inside of him. It’s best if the bottom is on his knees as pictured, as literally squatting can tense up muscles in not only the legs but the anus as well. Once inserted you can begin moving your body up and down or swiveling side to side and every which way untill you are comfortable swapping to another position.
Doggy Style
One of the more popular positions, doggy style can actually be a bit taxing for a newbie bottom. In this position the bottom faces forward either on all fours, leaning against an item, or any other variation. Meanwhile the top sneaks up behind him and sticks it from behind. In this position there is usually less prostate stimulation, which is my favorite part so I usually hate doing it doggy style. You also align your body in a manner that allows your partner to penetrate you deeper than some of the other positions, and if your partner happens to be on the longer side this can actually be a bit uncomfortable. Still, it’s a hot scenario, and if you can find an angle and speed that works for you it can be a lot of fun for both of you.
What’s Working, What’s Not
In the popular federal case of Size of Boat v. Motion of Ocean, it was unanimously declared that it was not, in fact, the size of the boat that mattered in full. How you move has a lot to do with the results of your efforts. I’m not going to get into thrusting/fucking techniques but I did want to touch on the issue of communication.
If at any point you are uncomfortable or in pain, it’s ok to stop. Some people tell me “Well after a while it stops hurting if I just deal with it.” While you are laying there and just dealing with it, there is no telling what you are putting your body through. It’s important for people to understand how delicate this region of your body actually is. Anyone that doesn’t respect your body or your pleasure enough to go slowly shouldn’t be in your bed anyway.
What’s the rush? Take your time, communicate your desires with each other, and have the best possible sex that you can!
Questions or general feedback can be sent to mebrandonb@gmail.com
Entertaining and informative. Nice job B.
Will you help me practice?
B –
Very informative, very well written and entertaining! Good work, and thank you!
Jeff
PS – You were right about the JO lube. I’m a JO boy now, too!